


The Way I Loved You

by RensSaxophone



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:39:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22918585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RensSaxophone/pseuds/RensSaxophone
Summary: An extended song/choose your own ending fic
Relationships: Ichinose Tokiya/Jinguuji Ren, Ichinose Tokiya/Kurosaki Ranmaru, Jinguuji Ren/Kurosaki Ranmaru
Kudos: 8





	1. That's the Way I Loved You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The song is The Way I Loved You by Taylor Swift

_**He is sensible and so incredible** _  
_**And all my single friends are jealous** _  
_**He says everything I need to hear and it’s like** _  
_**I couldn’t ask for anything better** _

Tokiya and Ren had been an item for a few months now, and Ren really did act like the perfect gentleman around Tokiya. Ren kept an overall level headedness that matched well with Tokiya’s cooler personality, but he was light-hearted enough to keep the relationship from being _too_ serious. Ren was considerate, funny, clever, polite and handsome, and Tokiya often got looks, walking around hand in hand with Ren. In all sense of the word, he had gotten lucky. 

They never fought. Ren was incredibly good at handling Tokiya, and anything that had gotten close to a fight had quickly been deescalated by Ren. Ren never fed into Tokiya’s anger, and when he wouldn’t give Tokiya the _chance_ to attack him, Tokiya would find himself calmed down before he had even realized that Ren _was_ calming him down. Ren was affectionate in the best way, and he was able to read Tokiya well- he always seemed to know when Tokiya was upset, and he was always quick at making Tokiya feel better. 

Ren really was a perfect partner for Tokiya. They matched well- though Tokiya believes that Ren could match with anyone. Ren was just an incredibly wonderful person, through and through. He had met Ren only a few months before they had begun to go out, and Ren had met Tokiya in a dark time- right after a previous breakup. Tokiya had been cold, and uncaring, and he had tried to keep Ren at a distance, but somehow Ren had managed to worm his way in to Tokiya’s life. 

_**He opens up my door and I get into his car** _  
_**And he says, you look beautiful tonight** _  
_**And I feel perfectly fine** _

Ren would have shown up at Tokiya’s door with a single red rose. That was often how their dates started- and while Ren wasn’t dressed in anything extravagant, he still looked like he was dressed to the nines, at least. Ren looked insanely good in anything he wore. He would have offered Tokiya the rose with a charming smile, and Tokiya would have met the expression with a restrained smile of his own, taking the rose with a bow of his head. 

Ren never wanted to be thanked- at least not for the roses. It was something that Tokiya had learned from the first date but hadn’t gotten used to until the fifth. 

_”There’s no need to thank me- I’m simply giving you what you deserve, my lovely rose.”_

The roses eventually died, of course, but there was a vase Tokiya had set aside specifically for them, and there was always a healthy rose in the vase at all times. In the rare times when Ren’s life and Tokiya’s had gotten hectic and they hadn’t found time to spend time together, Ren would still take the time to go to Tokiya’s with a rose and a gentle kiss on the hand and the apology of his absence. 

“Shall we, my rose?” Ren would have offered his hand, after Tokiya had excused himself to put the rose in its proper place. Ren would have waited for Tokiya to take his hand, and Ren would gently lead Tokiya outside. Tokiya was very familiar with Ren’s car. He knew how much Ren loved taking trips, and he knew how special this car was to him. It wasn’t quite a clunker, but it certainly wasn’t fancy- it was a sleek black that had certainly seen some wear, but it was always well taken care of, and in all of the times Tokiya had found himself in the passenger seat, there never was any sort of check engine light on. Honestly- Tokiya doesn’t think he’s ever seen _any_ light on. Not even the gas light. They never had once stopped for gas, because Ren had a habit of keeping it almost full at all times. Ren wouldn’t have let go of Tokiya’s hand as he’d open the door, leading Tokiya inside with the hand still holding Tokiya’s. Ren would ensure that Tokiya was fully inside before he would have shut the door and returned to his own side. 

As Ren would begin to drive, he would glance at Tokiya for a short second, a fond smile working its way onto his face. “You look absolutely stunning tonight, Toki.”

“Thank you, Ren.” Tokiya’s voice is smooth, and his smile remains polite. 

Tokiya certainly wouldn’t say that he _minded_ Ren’s compliments. It was nice to be cared for. Tokiya would swear up and down the wall that he felt content. 

He didn’t feel his heart racing, or the nearly uncomfortably warm feeling in his chest. 

Tokiya wasn’t _ecstatic._

Tokiya was content.

_**But I miss screamin’ and fightin’** _  
_**And kissin’ in the rain** _  
_**And it’s two a.m. and I’m cursin’ your name** _  
_**You’re so in love that you act insane** _  
_**And that’s the way I loved you** _

When Tokiya dreamed at night- it wasn’t of Ren.

Before Ren, Tokiya had been in love. The sweaty palms, beating heart, tongue-tied kind of love. 

Tokiya wasn’t sure that he didn’t still love Ranmaru. 

The night he often went back to was the first time they had nearly broken up. Tokiya truly thought that they were going to. Fights weren’t uncommon between the two, because Ranmaru _had_ fed into Tokiya’s anger. It wasn’t always Ranmaru’s fault- but it also wasn’t always Tokiya’s. 

_Their first big fight had been because Tokiya had a bad day and was insistent on leaving, despite the downpour happening inside. In the end, Tokiya would have stormed out, forgoing his jacket and umbrella, with no destination in mind. Ranmaru had followed him out._

_”Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s voice was sharp, and even in the loud rain, his voice was loud and sharp. “Get back inside.”_

_Tokiya’s jaw would set, and while he would slow, he wouldn’t respond. Ranmaru would have caught up, catching Tokiya’s arm. His touch was warm, compared to the chilling rain. Ranmaru had left in the same state as Tokiya- his shoes hastily thrown on, in nothing but his jeans and a white crew neck short-sleeved shirt. His grey hair was already beginning to flatten against his head and his eyeliner was already running under the heavy downpour. Tokiya would be stunned into a different kind of silence, looking at Ranmaru. Despite the chill, Tokiya’s body was on fire, his heart beat pounding in his ears. Whatever Ranmaru saw, looking back at Tokiya, had stolen his words as well. It’s a mutual move, both of them connecting at once, Ranmaru’s arms roughly pulling Tokiya closer and Tokiya’s arms wrapping around Ranmaru’s neck to pull himself closer. Their lips had met in sparks that the rain couldn’t quite diminish, a desperation in both of them. Their fight, rather than being forgotten, had almost spurred it on, creating a different kind of passion in their embrace. Ranmaru’s hand would light a fire through Tokiya’s body when it would press to Tokiya’s lower back, underneath his shirt, and Tokiya couldn’t seem to pull himself close enough to satisfy either of them._

When Tokiya would wake up, he’d groan, glancing at his phone. When he had this dream, he’d always wake up, too early in the morning. Today, it happened to be around two in the morning, just having passed the hour mark. Tokiya would stare up at the dark ceiling, wallowing in his mourning, misery and anger. How was it fair that Ranmaru could still haunt him, this long after they had ended? Tokiya had Ren. 

Why wasn’t Ren enough?

Ren was perfect. Wasn’t he?

But Ranmaru’s passion was hard to forget. His care that had shown through in his anger- his anger that had spurred on Tokiya’s own anger fueled passion. The fire between them that had burned stronger than the rain. The fire that had never quite seemed to dull, whether it be shared through a touch or a look. 

_**Breakin’ down and comin’ undone** _  
_**It’s a roller-coaster kinda rush** _  
_**And I never knew I could feel that much** _  
_**And that’s the way I loved you** _

Tokiya knew exactly why Ranmaru was still haunting him. 

Tokiya was always cool and collected. With Ren, he was formal and polite. 

But the feeling of losing that- of being nothing but feelings and losing any sense that he usually clung on to was such an undeniable sense of _freedom._

It was _exhilarating _, to give up his careful control of himself. To feel the buzz in his stomach that only Ranmaru could ever seem to start. To go from cool to _hot_. __

__It was so different. It brought out parts of Tokiya that Tokiya didn’t even know that he had. Whether it was his _best_ side was debatable, but it was a side that only Ranmaru could bring out. And how bad could it have really been, if it brought on feelings so strong that Tokiya could vividly remember them, even in his sleep?_ _

__Tokiya’s chest would constrict with guilt._ _

__It may have been over, but Tokiya wasn’t over Ranmaru._ _

__Tokiya wasn’t sure that he ever really would be._ _

__Tokiya would wonder if Ranmaru managed to sleep easy at night._ _

__Tokiya wondered if he hoped he did, or if he hoped he didn’t. Tokiya wouldn’t have been able to decide._ _

___**He respects my space and never makes me wait** _  
_**And he calls exactly when he says he will** _  
_**He’s close to my mother** _  
_**Talks business with my father** _  
_**He’s charming and endearing, and I’m comfortable** _ _ _

__Tokiya wasn’t a very affectionate person. Tokiya knew that Ren was- but Ren had moved so slowly in their relationship that there wasn’t a chance for Tokiya to shy away from it. Tokiya had been tense their first date- but besides for Ren’s greeting, which had been a kiss on the back of Tokiya’s hand, Ren hadn’t touched Tokiya. On their second date, Ren had led Tokiya, for a moment, with fingertips on Tokiya’s back, that had drawn away as soon as they had reached where Ren had been leading him. On their third date, Ren had offered his hand, making no moves until Tokiya had accepted it. Their first kiss hadn’t been until a few weeks after they had agreed to consider themselves partners._ _

__Tokiya had let it slip on their first date that one of his biggest anxieties had been time- he had admitted that in the past, he would wait by the door, or by a window, as soon as the meeting time had come. He would admit that he tended to get impatient, should people be late when they tell him an exact time._ _

__Ren never disappointed. If Ren promised Tokiya that he would be there at seven, there would be a knock on Tokiya’s door at seven. Ren had gotten into the habit of being specific on when he’d contact Tokiya, and he always called exactly on time. Tokiya appreciated it._ _

__Ren was safe._ _

__Tokiya had waited months into the relationship to introduce Ranmaru to his parents. Ren had met them only a few weeks in- at a family dinner. Perhaps it would have been a bit different if the family dinner had more than Tokiya’s parents- but Tokiya had no siblings and no distant family had been invited. Tokiya was a bit nervous- but less than ten minutes into the dinner, Ren had won them over. Ren and Tokiya’s father had gotten along quickly, and his mother would constantly ask when Tokiya was going to bring Ren around again._ _

__Ren seemed perfect for Tokiya. Ren was everything that Tokiya could have hoped for in a partner._ _

___**He can’t see the smile I’m fakin’** _  
_**And my heart’s not breakin’** _  
_**’Cause I’m not feelin’ anything at all.** _ _ _

__Tokiya’s polite smiles would remain- and while Ren could tell when Tokiya was upset, he couldn’t see through the smiles._ _

__And it was largely because Tokiya _wasn’t_ upset. Not in the right way. When he was with Ren, he was content. _ _

__He doesn’t know that he’d say he was happy- but he wouldn’t say that he was sad, either._ _

__Tokiya really liked Ren as a person. He thought that Ren was an amazing guy, and that he really was sweet, and wonderful._ _

__Tokiya wasn’t in love with Ren._ _

__That wasn’t to say that Tokiya didn’t still feel guilty, when he’d lie in bed and think of the past. Ren didn’t deserve that. Tokiya didn’t deserve to take Ren from someone who could properly love him. Who could give Ren everything he deserved._ _

__Maybe Tokiya did love Ren- but it wasn’t in the right way._ _

__It wasn’t in the way that he was sure Ren hoped Tokiya loved him._ _

___**And you were wild and crazy** _  
_**Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated** _  
_**Got away by some mistake and now** _ _ _

__Ranmaru was something else._ _

__Ranmaru is, and would likely always be, Tokiya’s love._ _

__Even if Ranmaru could rile Tokiya up with nothing but a few comments, and sometimes even a look. Tokiya knew that some of the things he did had gotten under Ranmaru’s skin- but sometimes what Ranmaru did would get to Tokiya. It kept things exciting._ _

__They had never truly been mad at each other. Not in any place other than concern._ _

__Tokiya normally didn’t like unpredictability- but he did with Ranmaru. It was so… enticing._ _

__Their breakup had been stupid. Tokiya would never stop kicking himself for it. It was the only time that Tokiya could remember being truly angry at Ranmaru- and it wasn’t Ranmaru’s fault. Tokiya’s anger had shown through in coldness, and he had spoken on impulse- had said things he hadn’t meant._ _

___”If you’re just gonna sit there and give me this shit, Tokiya, I’ll leave.”_ _ _

___”Then go.” Tokiya’s voice was icy._ _ _

___Ranmaru’s look was steady. “‘S that really what you want?”_ _ _

___”The door is right there.”_ _ _

___Ranmaru would have given Tokiya a very long look. Silence would have overtaken the room, but when Tokiya hadn’t relented- Ranmaru would have gone to the bedroom. It wouldn’t have been more than fifteen minutes before he would have taken a bag, and he would have left. It was raining outside. Tokiya would have stepped into it, just outside of the door, and he would have watched Ranmaru leave. Ranmaru wouldn’t have looked back._ _ _

__Tokiya’s feelings had never changed. All of the love he had felt for Ranmaru had never left. All of the guilt, from how he had forced Ranmaru out hadn’t gone, either._ _

__Guilt was an awfully common theme._ _

__That’s what would have brought Tokiya to Ren’s door. “We should speak.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. Ren would have gotten serious._ _

__Ren always did know when Tokiya was upset._ _

__Ren would have let Tokiya in, and Tokiya would have sat down next to Ren. Tokiya would have closed his eyes, a look of pain on his face, for only a few seconds, and he would have opened his eyes to look into Ren’s. It was hard to maintain eye contact, but it was the least that Ren deserved._ _

__“I care for you, Ren. I really, truly do. I want nothing but the best for you- and that’s why I can’t continue our relationship. I’m… I’m not the best for you. You’re a wonderful person- but I’m afraid that I entered this relationship with baggage that you don’t deserve, and I can’t remain in this relationship, knowing that I’m not giving you what you deserve. You can find someone who can care for you in the proper way. I’m just not able to give that to you, Ren. I’m sorry.” Tokiya would finally bow his head._ _

__Ren’s hand would land on the top of Tokiya’s head until Tokiya looked up, and there’s a sad expression on Ren’s face. What would hurt worse would be the sad smile that Ren was wearing. “I understand, Toki.” His voice is so soft. “I care for you, as well, but I can see that it isn’t in the same way. I can only guess what baggage you’re carrying- and all I can wish is that one day you’ll find someone who can help you move on in the way that I couldn’t.”_ _

__Tokiya would smile._ _

__He thinks that Ren can see through this one._ _

__“I should leave.”_ _

__Ren would frown. “It’s nasty outside. I don’t mind if you stay until it dies down.”_ _

__“I’ve been out in worse.” Tokiya would reassure. “I’ll be okay.”_ _

__Tokiya would give Ren one last, apologetic smile, and he’d head outside._ _

__“Take care of yourself, my rose.”_ _

__It was raining._ _

___**I never knew I could feel that much** _  
_**And that’s the way I loved you** _ _ _

__Tokiya’s house felt empty, now that no one came to visit him._ _

__Tokiya hadn’t moved the vase, and he hadn’t thrown out the long dead rose. It was beginning to lose its petals._ _

__Tokiya’s dreams about Ranmaru hadn’t stopped._ _

__Those weren’t surprising._ _

__It wasn’t surprising that Ren still would have reached out to check on him- though they were seldom._ _

__It wouldn’t have been surprising that, nearly half a year later, Ren would have found someone who he could properly care for- and who could properly care for him._ _

__It wouldn’t have been surprising, when Tokiya would have seen Ren and his new partner together, passing one of Ren’s favorite asian restaurants._ _

__But what would have been surprising- what would have filled Tokiya with so many emotions that he couldn’t begin to work through them, would have been when he had seen the man, sitting across from Ren, looking the same as Tokiya had last remembered._ _

__But Tokiya’s last thought would have been bitter, sad, guilty and expected - Tokiya _did_ still love Ranmaru. _ _

__Only this time- Ren did too._ _


	2. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song is Breathe by Taylor Swift

_**I see your face in my mind as I drive away,** _   
_**’Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way** _   
_**People are people,** _   
_**And sometimes we change our minds** _   
_**But it’s killing me to see you go after all this time** _

Tokiya hadn’t realized just how obvious he was, frozen in shock as he looked through the window at the two men enjoying their lunch. But Ranmaru had looked up and had met Tokiya’s eye, and Ranmaru’s reaction would have caught Ren’s. Tokiya would have ducked his head, but the damage had been done. 

Nothing would have happened that day- but it would have only been a day later when Ren would have asked if Tokiya would meet up with him. Tokiya would have. 

Normally, he may have denied- but Tokiya hadn’t slept that night, too busy packing. Tokiya knew how to drive- because Ren had taught him. Tokiya was going to leave. To stay in an area with both Ren and Ranmaru- and to have Ranmaru, in a relationship with _Ren_ \- Tokiya couldn’t stay. He couldn’t do that to himself.

It only made sense to at least tell them goodbye. He hadn’t had any contact with Ranmaru- nothing that wasn’t in his sleep or daydreams, since Ranmaru had left. But he had kept _some_ contact with Ren, though not enough for Ren to know that Tokiya’s move was a split decision. 

He would meet up with Ren the next day, though Ranmaru hadn’t been in the room when Tokiya arrived. 

“You look well.” Ren’s smile is still a bit sad. They were sat at a restaurant, though it wasn’t the same one as yesterday. 

“You do as well.” Tokiya’s smile is polite- if a bit strained. 

“How have you been?”

“I’ve been keeping myself busy.” They would both take a seat. “How have you been?”

“Well.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

Ren would search Tokiya’s face. “I’m… sorry. To be so forward but- have… have you found anything to make you happy, Toki?”

Tokiya would freeze at the nickname. It had been a very long time since he had heard that name from anyone. “I’ve been keeping myself busy.” Tokiya would repeat. Ren would frown, but Tokiya would continue. “I see you’ve found someone- are _you_ happy, Ren?”

Ren’s face would grow cautious, and his eyebrows would furrow. “About that.” Ren’s voice is quiet. “He… told me. I’m sorry. I had no idea.”

“Don’t be. If you’re happy together, then I’m happy for both of you.”

Ren would watch Tokiya’s face. “Perhaps it’s no longer in my place to ask- but was Ranmaru the baggage you had spoken about?”

Tokiya’s face is carefully guarded. “It was a difficult time for both of us, I think. But it was such a long time ago.”

Ren’s face would look conflicted. It wasn’t an answer- but Ren didn’t feel right pushing. “I… I wanted to speak to you. I understand that your separation was… difficult. He kept most of the details to himself. But I believe he’d like to speak to you- if you’d let him.”

“I’ve got no right to tell him no.” Tokiya’s answer is a bit flat. “If he’d like to speak, it’s his choice.”

“...Would you mind if he joined us?” 

“If that’s what he would like to do.”

Ren would type a quick message on his phone, but Tokiya can feel the anxiety. He would push it down. What’s one more meeting, before Tokiya had left?

“Are you still working in the library?” Ren would ask, setting his phone face down on the table and focusing back on Tokiya. 

“Not anymore. I’m… I’m leaving tomorrow.”

Ren would furrow his eyebrows. Tokiya doesn’t notice Ranmaru entering the dining room, or heading towards the table. “Your job?”

Tokiya would answer, though he had seen Ranmaru as he had opened his mouth. Ranmaru would have sat down, but Tokiya would have still answered. “Town, actually. I’m moving.”

Ranmaru’s eyebrows would have raised, and Ren looks shocked as well. “Where are you going?” Ren’s surprise isn’t hidden well in his voice. 

Tokiya wasn’t sure. He wasn’t even sure where to pretend to be going- so he’d answer honestly. “I’m not sure yet.”

“That’s… not like you, Toki.” Ren would frown. “You don’t have anywhere set up?”

“I have a car, and plenty of money for hotels until I decide for sure where I’m staying.”

“Your parents are here, aren’t they?” Ren still seems uncertain. Ranmaru is watching him, almost skeptically. 

“There’s really no cause for concern Ren. I know what I’m doing.” Tokiya would assure. His tone is polite, if a bit cool. 

Ren still doesn’t seem sure, but Ranmaru would speak up. “You must’a really changed since we last knew each other, then.”

Tokiya would get tongue-tied. His chest would pound uncomfortably fast in his chest, and his mouth feels dry. He’d take the glass of water from in front of him, drinking at least a fourth of it. He’d set down the glass, pressing his lips together and looking away. It wasn’t right- to feel this way for Ren’s partner. 

Tokiya really did respect Ren. He shouldn’t be doing this to him. 

“People change, I suppose.”

Ranmaru would fall silent, and the waiter would come over. Tokiya would order something small. Ren’s isn’t much larger. Ranmaru would go smaller than usual- but out of all of them, Ranmaru had always been the largest eater. 

“How long have you been planning this?” Ren would ask, his voice hardly a whisper. 

“It was a fairly recent development.” 

“It wasn’t yesterday, was it?” Ranmaru’s voice is a bit flat. Tokiya would manage to muster up an annoyed look, even though everything in him is fighting it. 

“I’m not that petty.” Tokiya would sigh. “I told Ren I wanted the best for him. And I would like the best for you, too, Ranmaru. If the both of you are happy together, than I’m glad you two found each other. Neither of you are dating me anymore. My feelings are irrelevant in this situation. Fate works in funny ways- but your relationship isn’t any of my business.”

Ren would fall silent. Tokiya would muster up a small smile. When their food is brought out, it’s silent for most of the time that they eat. Tokiya isn’t hungry, but he would eat his food anyways. Ren would push his food around on his plate. Ranmaru would eat, too fast.

“I-” Tokiya would breathe out, setting down his fork onto his empty plate. He felt a bit sick. “Don’t know that I’m going to be seeing either of you again. I really do wish the both of you the best.”

“Fate works in funny ways.” Ranmaru would say gruffly. Tokiya would just give a small, polite smile. He would take out his wallet, but Ren would speak up. 

“Let me cover it. You should save your money for your trip.” Ren’s voice is upset, but he’s trying to hide it. Tokiya would hesitate, but he’d slowly lower his wallet. 

“Thank you.” His voice is too formal. He would bow his head. “I’m afraid that I should get going. I’ve got a long drive ahead of me.” Tokiya would stand. “It was nice seeing you- Ren. Ranmaru.” 

Tokiya would move to leave, but Ranmaru would catch his arm. “Are you leaving because of us, Tokiya? Me?” Ranmaru’s voice is serious and his gaze is unwavering. 

When Ranmaru touches him, Tokiya’s chest constricts, like he had been punched in the stomach. Tokiya almost shivers, the cold and the heat warring inside of him- and he can’t breathe. He just pulls his hand away, not able to give Ranmaru an answer as he exits the diner. 

The next morning, he would leave. As he leaves, he can only think of Ranmaru. 

He can only think of Ren’s surprised expression at his news. At Ranmaru’s skeptical one. 

He can only think of Ranmaru’s question. 

Tokiya often ran from his problems- but this was running on an entire different level. 

People change. Personalities. Opinions. Lifestyles. Ren had found someone who made him happy- and Ranmaru had, too. 

Tokiya wanted them both to be happy, but damn did it hurt. It felt like something heavy had settled on his chest. It hurt. It hurt to see them both happy together- without him. 

Even though it was his fault he didn’t have either of them. 

It was his fault he didn’t have Ranmaru. 

Tokiya wouldn’t get far before he’d have to pull over because he’s crying too hard to drive safely.

_**Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie.** _   
_**It’s the kinda ending you don’t really wanna see** _   
_**’Cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down,** _   
_**Now I don’t know what to be without you around** _

Tokiya would sit in the driver’s seat, pulling his legs up to his chest. He would turn off the gas, to use only the battery, and the radio would play. Fittingly, his playlist would land on a breakup song, and it would only make Tokiya cry harder. 

Tokiya was a hopeless romantic. Perhaps the reason he couldn’t stop dreaming of Ranmaru was because he wanted nothing more than to get back with him. 

There was no perhaps. Tokiya wanted Ranmaru. 

He wanted Ranmaru to drive after him- to find him on the side of the road to comfort him. He wanted Ranmaru to call him, to ask him to return. He wanted Ranmaru to ask him where he was going- to reach out to him when he got there and to go find him. 

But this wasn’t a movie. And even if it was- it wasn’t a romance. There was no happy ending for Tokiya. Tokiya had lost himself, hung up in this failed relationship, and he had given away Ren- the only true hope he had for finding any sort of happiness for himself in another way. 

No one was coming for him. 

Ren and Ranmaru had accepted that he was leaving. They had questioned him- but they hadn’t tried to stop him. 

If Tokiya turned around now, perhaps he could settle with being friends with Ren and Ranmaru. To pretend like it didn’t kill him, to see the looks they were sure to give each other. To see Ren, courting Ranmaru. 

Tokiya wondered what Ren’s special nickname for Ranmaru was. 

_”Take care of yourself, my rose.”_

Tokiya wondered if Ranmaru got the roses, too.

 _ **And we know it’s never simple,**_   
_**Never easy**_  
 _ **Never a clean break, no one here to save me**_  
 _ **You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand,**_

Tokiya had gotten so hung up on Ranmaru that he had finally begun to realize, sitting alone in his car, that he truly was alone.

Of course Tokiya had felt lonely. His house felt large- because he had to keep the same house he had shared with Ranmaru. Tokiya hadn’t walked out. Ranmaru had. Tokiya couldn’t afford to just move because it was too empty without Ranmaru. 

Tokiya’s first loss of Ranmaru was difficult, and his second didn’t end any better. Just because Tokiya had pretended to hold himself together didn’t mean that he had. 

He still remembered everything about Ranmaru. 

How long it took him to do his hair in the morning, and how sweet he was when he woke up. How Ranmaru refused to be the little spoon, and if they cuddled and it was Tokiya cuddling Ranmaru, Ranmaru would tuck _himself_ under Tokiya’s arm. How quiet Ranmaru would get after a bad day, and how bright his smiles were when he had a good one. The tone Ranmaru’s voice would take when he’d tease Tokiya, or how sometimes Ranmaru’s rings would get tangled in his necklace when he slept with his jewelry. How sexy he looked when he napped in his eyeliner and woke up with it smudged all to hell. How often Ranmaru would tell Tokiya that he loved him because Ranmaru knew just how much Tokiya loved hearing it. 

The time Ranmaru had played a part of a song for Tokiya on his bass on their anniversary and had admitted to writing it for Tokiya. Tokiya could still remember exactly how the song sounded. 

The ring, a gaudy, quarter machine ring that Ranmaru had gotten for Tokiya on his birthday. A joke ring but a real promise. One that would never happen. Tokiya still had the ring, tucked deep into his suitcase. The thought of it hurt but the sight would make him burst into tears.

He even still had that dead rose, that he had eventually flattened between two books and had kept the remnants of. 

_**And I can’t,** _   
_**Breathe** _   
_**Without you** _   
_**But I have to** _

Tokiya would crying himself out, and then he’d wipe his face. 

He couldn’t move on. He felt like he was drowning. He couldn’t remember the last time he was able to properly breathe, and he doubted he was ever going to again. 

But he didn’t have a choice. 

Just because he couldn’t get over Ranmaru didn’t mean that he wasn’t going to. He’d just bury it deep down, and figure out his next move. What other choice did he have? To waste away in this car? To cry himself until there was nothing left of him?

To choke?

He wanted to. But he couldn’t. 

He would restart the car, and he’d pull back onto the road. The tears were slowly disappearing, though he’s left with an empty feeling. The hurt, and the sadness, and all of the pain wasn’t gone. His chest was no lighter. But he was continuing on.

_**Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt** _   
_**Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve** _   
_**People are people,** _   
_**And sometimes it doesn’t work out** _   
_**Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out** _

Tokiya hated himself. 

He hated himself for how he pushed Ranmaru out. He hated himself for never telling Ranmaru that he was sorry. 

The guilt was eating him alive. 

The empty feeling wasn’t enough. Tokiya likely looked like he was inebriated, with the way he was driving on the road. Any hole in the road that he hadn’t been able to avoid, he had met with a harsh wince. It hurt his chest, just driving on the flat road. The pain got sharper, when he would hit the potholes, or the uneven patches. 

Maybe if Tokiya hadn’t pushed Ranmaru out, Ranmaru still wouldn’t have stayed. Tokiya doesn’t know if that would have made it easier. 

It didn’t matter what alternatives Tokiya thought of, because none of them seemed better. None of them made the pain lessen any. 

Tokiya could apologize- but what would it do?

Tokiya would look forward on the road, his face changing into its cold mask. He would drive until it had gotten dark, and he’d pull into a hotel at about eight at night. He would pay for the room, and he’d get into bed. It would take him over an hour to fall asleep. 

_**It’s two a.m.** _   
_**Feelin’ like I just lost a friend** _   
_**Hope you know it’s not easy** _   
_**Easy for me** _

Tokiya would wake up from the same dream that had been plaguing him, but it’s worse. Having seen Ranmaru makes him wish that the dream was real, even more than before. 

He’d glance at the clock. 

Two in the morning. 

Tokiya would stare at the ceiling. He can’t breathe. 

He would try to close his eyes, but he’s stuck on one thought. 

He wonders if his meeting made Ranmaru feel like he really had moved on. 

If Ranmaru thought that Tokiya no longer cared. 

Tokiya knows, somewhere in his mind, that he was wrong. If Ranmaru believed that Tokiya was unaffected- why would he have tried to get an answer out of Tokiya, about why Tokiya was leaving? Why would he accuse Tokiya of leaving because of Ranmaru, if Ranmaru thought Tokiya didn’t care at all?

Tokiya’s phone is in his hand before he thinks about what he’s doing, and his thumb would hover over Ranmaru’s contact. He’d click it, going to messages. 

He would type a message out. 

“I’m sorry. I hope you know that leaving wasn’t an easy decision. I never meant to lose you as a friend.”

Tokiya would stare at it for a long time, sobering over the bright phone light, before he’d put the screen to sleep, not sending the message. Tokiya wouldn’t sleep that night, curling in on himself on his side and staring at the wall of the hotel room. 

Tokiya would cover his face, and he’d take a deep, shaking breath, grabbing his phone one last time to completely erase the message, and filling in one word instead. 

This time- he’d send it. 

_**Sorry.** _


	3. The Lucky One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The song is The Lucky One by Taylor Swift

_**New to town with a made up name** _   
_**In the Angel city, chasing fortune and fame** _   
_**And the camera flashes, make it look like a dream** _   
_**You had it figured out since you were in school** _   
_**Everybody loves pretty, everybody loves cool** _   
_**So overnight you look like a sixties’ queen** _

Tokiya had finally figured out where he was going to go. He would have found himself to main town- and he would have thrown himself into auditions. Tokiya had been a high school theatre student- so this wasn’t a stretch for him. He was quick with memorizing scripts, he knew quite a few instruments and his voice was good. 

Tokiya would have nailed his first audition- but as he had started getting bigger, he would no longer be going by Tokiya Ichinose. 

Rather, he was now Hayato. 

Fame wasn’t something that Tokiya necessarily sought, but it came with the acting territory. At least on the scale Tokiya was quickly climbing to. 

The night before Tokiya had come up with his plan- the one that he had texted Ranmaru that simple one worded text- Ranmaru had responded the next morning. Tokiya had swiped it off of his screen before he could read exactly what Ranmaru had said. He didn’t have the same kind of confidence that morning that he had in the middle of the night. 

He still wasn’t sure what it said. 

Tokiya had truly gone through a transformation. 

He was a polite, if a bit standoffish and cold man, but that was Tokiya. That wasn’t Hayato. 

Hayato had turned into a happy-go-lucky pop idol, doing everything to look good, please the fans, and sell merchandise. 

Nothing like Tokiya. 

But Tokiya, or Hayato, had gotten successful. He had gotten dressed up in expensive clothes, and put in expensive sets and had spent time with very famous people. He already had a growing fanbase- and many of them really liked his _face_. 

Tokiya wasn’t happy that it wasn’t for his talent. Hayato would smile and would thank them for their kind compliments- but he was nothing compared to their beautiful faces. 

It was such a quick transformation that Tokiya could feel his head spin. 

He had really been thrown into the idol life. 

Hayato was always happy. 

Tokiya didn’t think that he was. 

_**Another name goes up in lights** _   
_**Like diamonds in the sky** _

Tokiya had been walking the streets, heavily clad in a heavy coat, a large scarf and an oversized scarf. He would look up at once of the bright TV advertisements. It was him. 

Well, it was Hayato. 

Tokiya’s days seemed to blend together, because he was always so busy. Even watching the commercial, Tokiya couldn’t remember what it was for, and he wouldn’t stick around long enough to watch. It was so large, and so bright. 

He was a star now. 

_**And they’ll tell you now, you’re the lucky one** _

Tokiya heard it all the time, about how lucky he was for what he had gotten. 

Tokiya felt tired, and sick- but how could he argue? So few people got all of the opportunities that Tokiya was being given, right? 

He didn’t mind being overworked- because it made it easy to not focus on Ranmaru. 

To not think about Ren. 

He only thought about them at night, when he’d lie down and watch his dresser, looking at the twenty-five cent ring, and the pressed, dead rose. 

But he was lucky. 

Hayato was lucky. 

_**Now it’s big black cars, and Riviera views** _   
_**And your lover in the foyer doesn’t even know you** _   
_**And your secrets end up splashed on the news front page** _

Tokiya was getting used to the idol lifestyle. He was used to getting into limos, sitting uncomfortably close to people that he barely knew anything about. 

Hell, the girl he was sitting next to now was practically a stranger- but he was supposed to be dating her. 

She knew nothing of Tokiya. She knew Hayato. And she barely knew anything about Hayato, either. Her name was Haruka. She was a nice girl. A composer. Tokiya had no interest in her in the slightest. 

If he thought he felt nothing for Ren, he may as well have not even known Haruka’s name. 

She went everywhere with him. Red carpet events, show screenings, interviews and behind the stage. She slept in the same bed as him, though they slept back to back. 

Tokiya hadn’t even moved the ring or the rose. 

And then, Haruka would have approached him meekly. 

“Hayato?”

Tokiya was so exhausted. And having his so-called girlfriend call him by his fake name exhausted him even further. He hated keeping up the act behind closed doors. But he’d perk up. “Hmm?”

She would have held a paper- a tabloid. At first Tokiya’s eyebrows would have furrowed. “Hmm? What’s that?”

She would show him the paper, and the tabloid is about him- it’s about his sexuality. 

Papers accusing celebrities of being gay weren’t uncommon, but Tokiya’s surprise would have made Haruka’s face fall further, and her voice is quiet. “So it’s true.”

Tokiya would have glanced away, his face sobering. She would have looked down at the floor, and his voice is quiet, too. “I’m sorry.”

Haruka would give him a pained, teary smile. It almost reminded Tokiya of Ren’s smile, when he broke up with Ren. “You don’t have to be. It’s… it’s who you are. You can’t help that. But I… I can’t stay. I can’t stay knowing that you’re never going to be able to love me.”

“I couldn’t ask you to do that.” Tokiya’s face would turn genuinely pained. This really was reminding him of Ren. “You deserve to be with someone who can care for you properly.”

Haruka would get very quiet for a second. “That’s the realest expression I think I’ve ever seen on your face.”

Tokiya would have nothing to say. Haruka would have been gone, two days later. 

_**And they tell you that you’re lucky** _   
_**But you’re so confused** _   
_**’Cause you don’t feel pretty** _   
_**You just feel used** _

Tokiya was sick of people telling him that he needed to be grateful. 

Why should Tokiya be grateful about being someone that was so untrue to himself? Why should he be grateful that he felt like he was always on the edge of death- he had been running on empty for months. No one had his back, he had no say in anything he did- hell, he exercised more than he slept. All of his food was monitored, and he hadn’t even picked up a book in longer than he could remember. 

His fan feedback mostly went between sexualizing him and hating on him- and his agents kept reminding him that they were taking a risk on him, especially because he was older, for an idol. 

Tokiya wasn’t Tokiya. Tokiya was Hayato. 

Tokiya looked in the mirror, and he hated it.

If Tokiya looked at an ad of himself, he almost didn’t recognize it was him. 

It wasn’t about his talent- it was about his looks. If he wanted to be famous for his looks, he would have tried to be a model. 

Tokiya didn’t understand why this was how it is. He felt like he was dying. He certainly had expected a lot of work- and he was perfectly alright with that, but this was ridiculous. He didn’t have days off. Once a week he was allowed to sleep for a few extra hours, and that was the extent of that. 

But what other choice did he have? Where else would he go?

He didn’t have anyone. 

Sure, there were his parents- but neither of them had reached out to him more than once or twice every few months. 

This was the life he had chosen. Right?

_**Another name goes up in lights** _   
_**You wonder if you’ll make it out alive.** _

Tokiya would lie in bed. 

He was absolutely miserable. 

Tokiya had ended a tour- and if he thought he had no free time before the tour, he was never left alone during it. He was getting almost no sleep every night, and he wasn’t eating enough to balance the energy he was extending. 

He was killing himself. 

He would stare at his nightstand- at his ring and his rose, and he’d cry. He’d break. His chest felt heavy, and he’d shake. He would turn on his back, staring up at the ceiling, and somehow he’d fall asleep. 

For the first time in a long time- he had the dream about Ranmaru. He would have turned over, to reach for his phone to check the time. 

It was just a little past two a.m. 

Tokiya would stare at his phone for a long time, before he’d unlock it. He wouldn’t have trouble opening the messages- he had a few new ones, but there was one he was searching for. 

Ranmaru’s.

**Chapter Four ; “come back”**   
**Chapter Five ; “Please just let me know that you’re safe.”**   
**Chapter Six ; “its too late”**


	4. Come Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ending 1/3 (True End)

Tokiya would be scared, to check the message. He wouldn’t look at it until he had opened the thread, and he would hold his breath. 

“come back”

Tokiya’s hand would almost shake as he’d type a response. “Do you still mean that?”

Tokiya would set the phone down. He wasn’t expecting to get a response until later. Past two in the morning. 

He didn’t think that Ranmaru still meant it. It was so long ago. Tokiya is cursing himself for not checking it when he had gotten it- but he was afraid. He was afraid that Ranmaru’s response would have been anything but that. Tokiya can’t fall asleep, but he’d reach forward grabbing the ring and holding it close to himself. It’s about six in the morning when Tokiya’s phone would go off, and Tokiya would almost hesitate to check it- but he would reach forward. 

It’s Ranmaru. 

Tokiya would click on the message. 

“yeah. i still mean it”

Tokiya’s grip on the ring would tighten carefully, and his response would come quickly. 

“Can I call you?”

Tokiya’s phone would ring, and Tokiya would answer the phone. “Ranmaru?” Tokiya’s voice is careful. 

Ranmaru would sigh. “Took ya long enough. Where are you? It’s been months.”

“I became an idol.” Tokiya’s voice is too soft. 

“Why are y’talkin’ like that?” Ranmaru sounds almost suspicious. 

“It’s a bit of a long story.” 

“Then I’ll come ‘t you, or you come ‘t me.”

“I… it may be easier for you to come to me. I’d rather go to you, but I’m not sure how I’d get there.”

“Where are you?”

Tokiya would give Ranmaru the address.  
“Oh, shit.”

“I can send you money to come here. I just don’t think I’ll be able to sneak out.”

“Sneak out? What the fuck did you get yourself into? Wait, shit, Toki, are you _crying?_ ”

Tokiya was. “It’s been a really long time since you talked to me like this- I-” Tokiya could feel his heart beating faster, and his chest getting warmer. Normally he only got reactions like this when he was _near_ Ranmaru. Or in his dreams. “...Do… you _really_ want to see me?”

“Wouldn’t say that I wanted to if I didn’t.” 

“Then I’ll find a way to you.” Tokiya sounds determined. “I… I really want to see you.” He’d admit. The idea of seeing Ranmaru had Tokiya shifting, unable to sit still. After so long of thinking about him- to have Ranmaru _want_ to see him was a dream come true. Literally. “I could be there by later this afternoon.”

“What about the whole sneakin’ out thing?”

“I’m going to figure it out. If I leave now I might be able to do it.” He still had an hour before his agent should be searching for him. “Are… where are you?”

“I’ll send you the address. It’s in the same town, but you’ve never been here.”

“Perfect.” Tokiya had already gotten to his feet, packing a backpack. He was burning bridges here, by running, but he wasn’t worried. _He_ owned this house. All of the money he had made was _his_ , and all of the work he had been doing hadn’t given him any time to spend the money that he had saved. So even if he was never going to be an idol again, that was the only chance he was losing. 

“...Just lemme know when you get here. You’re flyin’, right? I can pick you up from the airport.”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah. Get here safe, Tokiya.”

Tokiya would still, a very soft smile on his face as they’d end the call.

Tokiya felt miserable, at work. He liked certain aspects of being an idol, of course. He loved singing, and acting. He just didn’t like having _no_ say in his life, and getting a few hours of sleep at most a night. He didn’t like looking into the mirror because he almost looked unhealthy. Of course, from a distance, he looked great. But if you really payed attention, he was too small. He was burnt out. He just needed _some_ time to not be working, and he never seemed to get that. He was so exhausted. 

Ranmaru was absolutely the reason he was burning these bridges. But in the back of his mind, Tokiya wonders if part of his desperation came from wanting the lifestyle he had left. The calm of it, and the freedom. Tokiya actually had a hard time, finding a book to pack. When was the last time he had read?

Tokiya couldn’t remember. 

He would have called a car and would have waited outside of his home for it. His home was far too large, but he was never there long enough for it to bother him. He would get into the car, heading to the airport. He had only packed a backpack. If he needed anything else, he could just buy it. And it wasn’t as if he had many clothes that weren’t overly expensive, anyways. He had taken the calmest clothes he had. 

It was easy to book a flight. Tokiya normally hated flying, but he didn’t want to waste the time driving. His phone would have gone off, and when he had checked it, it would have been Ranmaru’s address. 

Tokiya would think of Ren. He wondered if Ranmaru and Ren were still together. He wondered if he were going to their shared home. 

Tokiya was on edge the entire time at the airport, finding himself extremely impatient. He didn’t stop to consider that this might not be a good idea- and even if it wasn’t… he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He had never gotten over Ranmaru. And if he had told Ranmaru no- if he had given up the only chance he may have had to fix things, he felt he’d live to regret it. 

His goal here was to apologize to Ranmaru. 

The apology that he should have given Ranmaru all that time ago. Should have given Ranmaru when they had met again. The one he _was_ going to give Ranmaru, when he saw him. 

Tokiya wasn’t willing to fool himself into truly believing that he and Ranmaru could be together again, but he was at least going to make it right. These are the thoughts that would plague him until he had boarded the flight- and he’d read the rest of the way. When he had landed, he was nervous. His phone had been off, and when he turns it back on, almost all of the messages and calls had been from his agent, and people involved with the company. He would swipe all of the contacts off of the screen, to message Ranmaru. 

“I’ve landed.” Tokiya didn’t feel the need to tell Ranmaru what airport he was at. There was only one main one. 

“meet me by the coffee shop”

Tokiya didn’t need to ask which one. Ranmaru’s mother didn’t live in this town, and Ranmaru would sometimes go to visit her. They’d arrive too early and would spend time together in this one little coffee shop until Ranmaru had to leave to go through security. Tokiya’s chest would constrict when he’d take a seat to wait. Almost without thinking, he’d go to the counter and order two drinks. 

It wouldn’t really hit him that he had until they had called his name and he had seen the two cups. He still would have taken both, to go sit down. His order was the same as it had always been. 

Tokiya’s drink was a fruitier one, all of the caffeine coming from the green tea in it. 

Ranmaru’s was a plain and simple black coffee. Ranmaru almost never drank coffee, but nothing else on the menu had seemed to jump at him the first time they had come here, and he had just continued ordering the same thing. 

When Ranmaru had entered, Tokiya would watch him sweep the room with his eyes, and there’s a very faint hint of surprise on Ranmaru’s face. Tokiya isn’t sure exactly why. He wonders if Ranmaru might be surprised to see him.

Ranmaru would walk to Tokiya’s table, his hand resting on the back of the chair across from Tokiya. Before Tokiya can get up, Ranmaru would sit down. Tokiya would give him a soft smile, and Ranmaru’s eyes would narrow. Tokiya’s smile would falter a bit, but Ranmaru’s response would relieve him. 

“It’s good ‘t see you.”

“It’s good to see you, too, Ranmaru.” Tokiya’s voice is extremely genuine.

Ranmaru would look at the coffee, raising an eyebrow. Tokiya would rub the back of his neck. 

“You don’t have to have it if you don’t want it.” Tokiya would reassure quickly. 

Ranmaru would be quiet for a second, but he’d grunt, taking the coffee. “Thanks.”

Tokiya would smile, and Ranmaru’s eyes would search Tokiya’s face with a very slight frown, before he’d distract himself by glancing at Tokiya’s suitcase. 

“How long ‘r you staying?”

“I’m not sure. It was a one way flight” 

There are quite a few emotions on Ranmaru’s face, but they don’t seem particularly bad so Tokiya doesn’t feel worried. Ranmaru would set his arms on the table, leaning forward and looking at Tokiya closely. “You look like shit. And you keep givin’ me these fake smiles. What’s going on with you?”

Tokiya would blink, _almost_ taken aback, but not quite. It wasn’t that he expected anything less from Ranmaru, but it had been a very long time since anyone had spoken to him like this. Usually, people were _too_ concerned about what Tokiya thought, and despite what Ranmaru had said, Tokiya couldn’t help the small smile, though he’d drop it quickly, getting a bewildered look from Ranmaru. It was better than the suspicious glare, Tokiya supposed. “It’s just been some job stress.” Tokiya would reassure. 

Ranmaru would click his tongue, the glare back. “What use d’ya have lying to me? I know it’s been a… long time.” Ranmaru would close his eyes for a second, sighing, but then he’d open them. Tokiya wants to look away, but he finds himself unable to. “I’m not promising that we can fix things, and I’m not promising we’re ever gonna be back to where we were- but if you even wanna try, you’ve gotta start saying what you mean. That’s what ruined us in the first place, Tokiya.”

Tokiya’s face would change quite a few times. He’d swallow hard, his eyebrows furrowing and his face becoming almost solemn. He’d glance away from Ranmaru, and his voice would drop. “It really is work.” Ranmaru’s face would begin to turn disappointed, but it would relax when Tokiya kept talking. “I’ve… become an idol. It’s a very stressful job, and I don’t ever have much free time. In fact- I’m technically pulling a no-call no-show by being here right now. I have a fake persona I use for my job. He’s…” Tokiya would give a dry smile. “A bit more personable than I am. It’s a bit hard to separate my stage persona from myself nowadays.” 

Ranmaru would watch him for a second, taking everything in. “Is that what you were sneakin’ away from?” Tokiya would nod. “Is that really okay with you? Leaving it?”

“It’s not all it cracked up to be.” Tokiya would take a drink, with a half-hearted attempt to conceal his upset, though he feels that it falls flat. Ranmaru doesn’t speak, so Tokiya continues, frowning. “I don’t feel like people really appreciate my talent. I’m certainly known for my sex appeal.” Tokiya would give a weak, humorless laugh, rubbing his eyes. “That, and a tabloid came out some time ago about my sexual preference. I’m mostly getting hate and thirsty comments. My producers and agents are thriving off of it. ...I’m sorry. I hadn’t meant to ramble. I suppose that my answer to your question is yes. There are aspects I’ll miss, and I feel bad, in theory, but I think it’s a situation I needed to leave.”

“Then I’m glad you did. It sounds like it really fucked you over. You don’t deserve that. But still.” Ranmaru would frown. “I get that it’s gotta be hard, livin’ like someone you’re not. But no matter what happens between us, I’d like if you tried to at least talk to me like you. Y’don’t need to make me like you- and if ‘m honest, it creeps me out. Like I’m talkin’ to a stranger.”

“I’ll do my best.” Tokiya would resist the urge to smile. He knows it wouldn’t be the kind of smile that Ranmaru would want to see. “But what about you? It’s been… some time. How is Ren?”

“Some time.” Ranmaru would repeat, though his voice is a bit flat. He’d take a drink, and when he’s done, he’d sigh. “Ren and I broke up.”

“What?” Tokiya would sound surprised, blinking. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It was pretty mutual. ...I wanna show you somethin’. Let’s go.” 

Tokiya would, standing up and taking his bag and cup. Ranmaru would down most of the drink, tossing it, and Tokiya would finish most of what he had, a bit slower than Ranmaru, and would throw it out as well. Ranmaru would lead Tokiya outside, and Tokiya would see Ranmaru calling a car. 

“I could have just taken a car to your place myself.” Despite the sentiment, Tokiya was a bit entertained. 

“Wanted to meet y’at the airport.” Ranmaru would mumble. His face is turned away, but Tokiya thinks it’s a bit pink. 

The car would come quickly, and Ranmaru would open the door for Tokiya. His face was definitely a little bit pink. Tokiya would smile at Ranmaru in thanks, and Ranmaru doesn’t make a face. The drive is relatively short, but the town was relatively small. Ranmaru would have gotten on the phone for a moment, but when he put it away, he would have kept it away. During the drive, Tokiya and Ranmaru would discuss Ranmaru’s job, primarily. He was a bass instructor, primarily for kids, but he had a few adult clients. Tokiya wasn’t surprised. 

Tokiya _would_ be surprised, however, when they would arrive at Ren’s house. “C’mon.” Ranmaru would climb out of the car, and Tokiya would have followed him with a confused expression. 

“We aren’t stayin’ here. Like I said. I wanted ‘t show you something.”

Tokiya would still look a bit confused, but Ranmaru would walk up to Ren’s door, knocking on it. It wouldn’t be long before Ren would open the door, and he had clearly been expecting them. When Ren would see Tokiya, he’d smile- it’s happy at first, but it turns a bit strained. He’d still pull Tokiya into a loose hug. He wouldn’t hug him long, pulling back after a few seconds, but it’s a hug Tokiya would have returned. 

“You look well.” Tokiya would say, but when his show business smile would return, he’d feel Ranmaru, not so subtly bump Tokiya’s arm with his own. Tokiya would let the smile drop. 

Ren’s returning smile is almost a bit sad. “I’m afraid I can’t say the same for you. You look tired, Toki.” Ren would sigh, but then a slightly less sad smile would take its place. “Masa is making food. Have you two eaten?”

“Masa?” Tokiya would ask, genuinely curious. He would enter, however, when Ren stepped aside to let them in. Ranmaru would follow behind him. 

“You haven’t heard of him.” Ren would give a sheepish smile, rubbing the back of his neck. As his hand lifts, Tokiya notices a wedding ring. “He’s my fiance.” Ren’s voice is careful.

“Oh.” Tokiya would blink, shocked. He’d actually look to Ranmaru, but this doesn’t seem to be news to him. Ranmaru’s actually watching Tokiya. “I’m glad.” Tokiya would say, genuinely. “If he makes you happy, I’m _very_ glad to hear that. Can… am I allowed to ask how long you’ve been together.” 

Ren would give him a softer smile. “It’s been a bit over a year. You’ve been gone for nearly two, right? If you’d like to speak more about this-'' Ren would glance at Ranmaru. “We can. But I think we should eat first.”

Ranmaru would grunt in agreement. 

“Alright.” Tokiya would give in, his hand tightening on his backpack. He’d go a bit red. “I’m sorry to bring my things here. I wasn’t aware we were stopping here first.” 

Ranmaru would snort, rolling his eyes. “It’s a backpack. Y’didn’t bring anything crazy.” 

“You can set it on the couch.” There’s a look of amusement on Ren’s face. 

They would wait for him to set down his bag before Ren would lead the way into the kitchen. Tokiya’s first good look at Masa is seeing him from the dining room, standing at the stove. From behind, Tokiya can see that he’s dressed modestly, his sweater’s sleeves rolled up, wearing tan slacks and slippers, the tie of the apron he was wearing visible around his waist. His hair was a striking blue- and he’d turn around, giving Tokiya a better view. He was a very pretty man. 

In all honesty, between Tokiya and Masa, Tokiya would think that Ren had a type. But while Ranmaru was certainly attractive, and _Tokiya_ could definitely consider him pretty, that wasn’t the first word that came to mind for Ranmaru. 

But at first glance, Masa seemed stern and serious- though his almost nervous smile would give Tokiya the impression that he may just be shy. Ren would walk over, under the pretense of checking on dinner, but Tokiya could see the subtle way that Ren had squeezed Masa’s hand. Proper introductions would wait while Ren set the table and Masa finished everything up, and then Masa would move to Tokiya, wiping his already clean hands on his clean apron, before offering his hand to Tokiya, to shake. Tokiya would take his hand and shake it. His hand was cold. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Tokiya- was it?” Tokiya would nod. “My name is Masato.” Masato would have let go of Tokiya’s hand and would have given a short bow. 

Tokiya would have bowed in return, not quite as deeply as Masato and a bit quicker, but a bow nonetheless. 

They would eat. The conversation is casual, and Tokiya thinks that Masato must know of Ren’s previous relationship to both Ranmaru and Tokiya- though he’s a bit less cautious with Ranmaru. Tokiya is glad that Ren and Ranmaru must still have some sort of friendship. 

He could have this, he thinks, had he stayed. 

The thought is bitter. 

Tokiya had given himself a small serving, but he hadn’t been able to finish it. He had noticed both Ren and Ranmaru’s glances towards him, but Tokiya had gotten full very quickly. He had been the last one eating, and he still had at least half of his portion still. The conversation had continued, but Tokiya had dropped out of it. 

Hayato would have charmed his way out of this situation. Made some excuse or figured out something else. 

But for whatever reason, Ranmaru didn’t want Hayato, he wanted Tokiya. And Tokiya didn’t want to disappoint Ranmaru.

So instead, he would have hung his head, his fork still hovering over his plate. Tokiya would try to force himself to eat more, as quickly as he could manage. Ranmaru would stop his hand, holding onto Tokiya’s wrist. His touch alone would freeze Tokiya as much as Ranmaru’s actual grip. It’s Ren, however, that would speak up. 

“It’s alright, Toki. You don’t have to force yourself.”

“I’m sorry.” Tokiya would look up. Ranmaru’s grip would tighten for just a second in a squeeze, but when Tokiya looks at his face, it’s different. Tokiya can still read him, after all this time- and while Ranmaru _is_ clearly telling Tokiya not to apologize, there’s no sign of the expression that Ranmaru had been wearing when Tokiya was acting too much like Hayato. “The food is good, I just-”

“You don’t need to explain yourself.” Ren would reassure. Ren hadn’t been the one to cut Tokiya off- it had been Ranmaru, with another light squeeze to Tokiya’s wrist. Ren’s hand would reach forward, to take Tokiya’s plate. “I’ll take care of it. Why don’t you two move to the living room?”

Ranmaru would use Tokiya’s wrist to urge him up, and to lead him into the living room. It was such a casual touch, but it had Tokiya’s chest constricting. 

God, did he miss Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru would let him go after Tokiya had gotten out to the living room, and he’d wait until Tokiya had sat down on the couch to sit beside him. Tokiya was in the middle, next to his backpack, and Ranmaru was on the edge right next to him. Ranmaru would look at Tokiya, serious. “D’ya wanna know why Ren and I broke up?”

“Not if you’re uncomfort-” Tokiya wouldn’t have finished his sentence before Ranmaru would have cut him off. 

“Yes or no, Tokiya?”

“...Yes.”

“Then I’ll wait for Ren ‘t get out here. It’s somethin’ he should be here for.” Ranmaru’s face is almost a bit more closed off. Somber. 

Ren would come out, after a second, and while Masato would shoot Ren an almost worried glance, Ren would smile at him, and Tokiya would glance at Ranmaru and Tokiya, bowing slightly on his way upstairs. Ren would have sat in a chair, across from Tokiya and Ranmaru. 

“He wants ‘t know why we’re over.” Ranmaru would say quietly. 

Ren’s face is almost conflicted. “Are you sure I should be the one telling him why?” Ranmaru’s jaw would tighten, and he’d breathe out. 

“Are you tellin’ me I should?”

“I think so.” Ren’s voice is soft. 

Ranmaru would cover his face with his hands, making sure that his mouth wasn’t covered, and Tokiya is surprised. He would slowly and cautiously reach out, resting his hand on Ranmaru’s shoulder. He’s concerned, but when Ranmaru looks up there’s quite a few emotions on his face. His face is red, though there’s almost a bit of guilt in his expression, and it’s guilt that Tokiya recognizes. His eyes would widen when it hit him, because he recognized Ranmaru’s expression, because it’s an expression Tokiya’s worn before. 

He would look over at Ren, and Ren’s expression is what puts the final nail in the coffin. Ren’s sad smile. 

“Did… he didn’t- he couldn’t have broken up with you in the same way I did…?” Tokiya is looking at Ren, his hand still on Ranmaru’s back. 

Ren’s eyebrows would furrow but the expression remains. 

Ranmaru’s voice is quiet. “I didn’t really break up with him. He sorta kicked me outta the relationship.” Ranmaru would glance at Ren before he looked at Tokiya. “Ren wouldn’t tell me _exactly_ why you left him, but he mention that I had the same look on my face that you had on yours.” Ranmaru would sigh. “Ren told me that I wasn’t over you. ‘T was the same night after our lunch. ...I told ‘im he was right. ‘S why I ended up texting you back.”

Tokiya can’t help his reaction. He would remove his hand from Ranmaru’s back, and he’d cover the lower half of his face, his eyes closing tightly. It’s taking everything in him not to cry. 

Tokiya doesn’t see Ren stand, or move upstairs. 

Ranmaru is still looking down, but when he speaks, his voice sounds so small. “Did you leave because of me?”

It’s so difficult for Tokiya to move his hands. He still can’t open his eyes, and his voice shakes. “I wanted Ren to be happy. I wanted _you_ to be happy. I just… I couldn’t be around it. I couldn’t stay with Ren because I never got over you. I thought you had gotten over me. I couldn’t stay.” Tokiya would move his hands, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. His voice is a whisper. “Yes. ...I left because of you.”

Ranmaru’s voice hasn’t changed, but he’s tense. “Are you gonna go back? Should I plan on you leaving again?”

“Not if you’d rather I stay.”

Ranmaru would get quiet, and Tokiya would take a deep shaking breath. Tokiya would look at Ranmaru. It’s hard, but he’d keep his eyes on Ranmaru’s face. Ranmaru isn’t looking at him. 

“There’s something that I’ve had regrets over for a long time.” Tokiya’s voice is soft. He’s started to cry, but his voice is surprisingly steady. “It’s something I should have told you after we broke up. I… wish I could tell you for sure why I haven’t. I suppose I was… afraid. Of how you would respond to it, and how I might react if it went badly, but it’s something you’ve deserved to hear for a very long time.” Ranmaru would have finally looked up. Tokiya is shocked to see that Ranmaru’s eyes have a shine to them. Ranmaru would let Tokiya speak. Tokiya would swallow hard, but he would keep all of his focus on Ranmaru. “I’m sorry. I wish I had never told you to leave, and I wish I hadn’t put my pride above apologizing to you when you deserved to hear it.” Tokiya’s voice would come faster and his tears would as well. “I took you for granted, and I was stupid and I miss you. I miss you everyday and if you’re still angry at me, I completely understand, because _I_ messed up and it took me years to even begin to try to fix it-” Tokiya’s voice would cut off, and he’d finally look away, covering his mouth. 

Tokiya would feel Ranmaru’s arms wrap around him, holding him tightly. Ranmaru’s voice is thick with emotion. “Maybe we aren’t gonna be able to fix everything, and maybe we will. I wanna try. I really do. I’ve been hopin’ for a really long time that you’d apologize to me.” He’d admit. “It’s what I’ve wanted to hear for… years. I want to give us another shot. ‘M hopin’ as much as you do.”

Tokiya’s hands would rest on Ranmaru’s arms, and his head rested on his shoulder, exhausted. His voice would crack.“I really do.” 

After a moment of staying still, they’d say goodbye to Ren and Masato and would go to Ranmaru’s house. Tokiya would offer to stay in a hotel, but would be shot down by Ranmaru. 

For the first month, Tokiya would sleep in the guest room. Starting from the second month, he would have moved into Ranmaru’s room. The second month is when Ranmaru would have been much stricter with Tokiya and how he was treating himself. 

“What’re you doin’?” Ranmaru would stand in the doorway of the guest room, rubbing his eyes. 

Tokiya would jump- out of pure surprise, and a bit of tiredness. “Sorry, was I too loud?”

“That wasn’t my question.”

“I was just exercising. I’ll be more careful in the future.” Tokiya would reassure. Ranmaru still looks unamused. 

“There’s not gonna be a future. It’s fuckin’ four in the morning, Toki. You need to be _sleeping._ Why are you in here working out?”

Tokiya would have gone a bit red. “Habit.”

“Well, it’s a habit you’re gonna break. C’mon.”

Tokiya would have slowly followed Ranmaru, and Ranmaru refuses to get into bed until Tokiya is lying down. Ranmaru’s arm would wrap around Tokiya, like a vice. 

“Tell me your routine.” Ranmaru would say, his voice serious. “Because clearly ‘m missing some of it.”

“I typically sleep from about midnight to three. I wake up and exercise until six and then I go to work at the library until six P.M. I come back, and eat dinner and spend time with you, and then when you go to bed I typically take a walk, and then I come back to shower, sleep and repeat.”

Ranmaru would get quiet for a long moment, and Tokiya can feel Ranmaru’s forehead land between his shoulder blades, and he can almost feel the frustrated sigh. “That’s gonna change, Toki. Is dinner the only meal you eat?”

“...Yes.”

“That’s the first thing we’re changin’ then. ‘M givin’ you a new schedule. Ya don’t have ‘t stick with it forever, but I need you to at least give it a try. And we can get looser with it if it works.”

“...What is it?” Tokiya almost sounds unsure. 

“I want you sleepin’ with me. Ten ‘t six. I want you talkin’ to the library and gettin’ it down to eight hours, and I want you eatin’ breakfast with me and takin’ a lunch to work. I want you limitin’ your exercise to no more ‘n an hour, and if y’really wanna go on a walk, we can start doin’ it together before it gets dark. We can still eat dinner and spend time, but I want you to start tryin’ to find at least a half an hour of time for yourself, too. Just sit down and read, or watch somethin’, or take a fuckin’ nap. Just somethin’ ‘t help with self care.”

“I’ll… try it.”

“Good. Y’left because you weren’t happy bein’ an idol. It sounds like this is why. The point of bein’ here is to not work yourself to death, and you’re still trying to do that. I don’t want to watch that.”

“You know-” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. “I think we’d usually fight over this.”

“Yeah. I think we used to.”

“I thought that our fighting was a lot of what attracted me to you.” Tokiya would admit quietly. “Because it always resolved, and there was a lot of heat, and excitement in it. I’m beginning to believe it was solely you. You’re… softer, than I remember you being.” Ranmaru would click his tongue, but Tokiya would continue. “But I can still feel my heart race and my skin heat every time you touch me- in the same way I used to feel when we fought. And… I’m glad. I’m glad that I’m here. I’m glad that _you’re_ here. And honestly, I’m glad we don’t bicker the way we used to.”

“Yeah.” Ranmaru’s voice is quiet. “I’m glad, too.”

Ranmaru would make sure Tokiya stuck to his new schedule, and Tokiya would do his best to keep to it. Eventually, Tokiya would offer to bring Ranmaru to _his_ house, and they’d settle in there. Neither of them truly cared about the size of the house, but it was still in a nice area. Ranmaru had expressed concern about Tokiya’s agents, but Tokiya had brushed it off, assuring him that he had been gone long enough to lose traction, and it turned out to be true. 

It would have been nearly a year later when Tokiya would have been sitting on his bed, turning something in his hands, when Ranmaru would have entered the room, shedding his coat. Ranmaru would have looked over, raising his eyebrow. It was raining outside. 

“What’s that?” Ranmaru wouldn’t have walked closer, continuing to get out of his damp clothes, but would keep glancing it Tokiya’s direction. 

Tokiya would have smiled, his face a bit distant, and he would have held up the plastic ring, his smile turning almost shy. “Recognize this?”

Ranmaru would gave glanced up, and would have paused his undressing, left only in his jeans as he’d approach the bed, taking the ring. “Holy shit. You still have this?”

“I couldn’t get rid of it.” Tokiya would admit. “It meant a lot.”

Ranmaru would turn the ring in his hands, making a soft noise. “Yeah.” Ranmaru would give it back, returning to getting undressed. “A promise is a promise.” 

Tokiya would watch him, but he’d get the tell tale signs of a fluttering heart and a warm feeling spreading through his chest. He’d look down, smiling at the ring. 

It would be a year later when Ranmaru would have taken Tokiya’s hand, pulling him outside. Tokiya would give an amused huff. “Ran, it’s raining cats and dogs out there.”

“I know. C’mon.”

Tokiya would shake his head, but he’d follow. They were both soaked almost immediately after stepping out, but Ranmaru would pull Tokiya under a streetlight. When Ranmaru faces Tokiya, Tokiya would reach out, placing his hand against Ranmaru’s cheek. It was red. 

It was cold outside. But before Tokiya could express his concern, Ranmaru would take a deep breath, looking away from Tokiya for just a second, before he’d look into Tokiya’s eyes, and he’d drop to one knee. Tokiya’s eyes would widen as Ranmaru would reach into his pocket, his face even more red. 

Tokiya wouldn’t have expected Ranmaru to go down the traditional proposal route- but Tokiya would never mind it. 

“Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s voice is serious. It isn’t loud, but Tokiya can hear it over the rain. Honestly, in his mind, he could hardly hear the rain. He could only hear Ranmaru. “Will you marry me?” 

Tokiya’s eyes would soften, his mouth turning up into a gentle smile. “A promise is a promise.” His voice is _almost_ teasing, but there’s too much emotion in it to properly reach it. “Of course I will.”

Ranmaru would grin, and he’d stand. Tokiya notices him shut the case, but before he can wonder why, Ranmaru’s arms have wrapped around him, pressing his lips against Tokiya’s. Tokiya can feel Ranmaru’s wet hair against his forehead, and Ranmaru’s damp clothes pressing against Tokiya’s own. Ranmaru would pull away, his face bright, even with his grin toned down. “We should go inside before you get sick.” 

Tokiya would laugh, letting his head drop against Ranmaru’s shoulder. “Remember when I told you that you were getting soft?” Tokiya’s voice achieves the teasing tone this time, though his voice is still happy. 

Ranmaru would click his tongue, but Tokiya can tell he’s still smiling. “I’m gonna give you a pass, just this once.” Ranmaru would hold Tokiya tighter to him. “But you better get used to it. You’re gonna have to deal with it for a long fuckin’ time.”

Tokiya would smile. “I think I can deal with that.”


	5. Please just let me know you're safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ending 2/3 Good End

“me too”

That was all Ranmaru had sent. There was no finality to it for Tokiya. It hurt. 

Of course it hurt. 

He wasn’t surprised. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting. 

Well, one thing he _wasn’t_ expecting was the other text. It was later than Ranmaru’s, but it still wasn’t recent. Tokiya didn’t even remember Ren texting him. 

“Please just let me know you’re safe”

Tokiya’s expression would soften in the worst kind of way. He felt guilty. 

He thinks that’s why he responds. 

“I’m sorry for worrying you. I’m safe.”

Tokiya knew that Ren used to sleep with his ringer on, when they were together, at least. Because Tokiya sometimes got very honest and sentimental and _sad_ when it was late at night, and he would send Ren texts. 

Ren must still sleep with his ringer on, because even though it was two in the morning, Ren still answered quickly. 

“Would you have time to call me?”

Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow. “I could do that.”

“When would be a good time?” 

“I’m really only available early mornings and late nights.”

“Then would now work?”

Tokiya would pause. He didn’t want to keep Ren from sleeping, but he couldn’t deny that he wanted to speak to Ren. “Now would work.”

Tokiya’s phone would ring, only a moment after he had sent the text. Tokiya had felt like he was ready to cry for the past ten minutes, but he hadn’t. And now, he was glad he hadn’t. 

“Ren?” Tokiya’s voice is too soft. 

Ren would sigh. “It’s been some time, Toki. I’m glad you reached out to me.”

“There’s no need to concern yourself.” Tokiya would reassure. “I’m alright. But I do appreciate your concern.”

“...Are you sure?” Ren’s voice sounds almost uncertain. “You sound… unlike yourself.”

Tokiya would frown, but he’s holding the phone close. It was nice to hear Ren’s voice, even with the edge of concern. Tokiya hadn’t realized just how much he missed Ren. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

Ren would sigh, but he seems to change the subject. “What have you gotten yourself into?” It doesn’t sound accusatory, but Tokiya would fall quiet for a moment at his phrasing. 

“Nothing of importance.” Tokiya would say, but his voice is too quiet. He would swallow, to get his voice back before Ren could comment. “How have things been for you?”

Ren’s voice sounds almost a bit disapproving. “Perhaps this isn’t my place anymore- but I wish you would tell me what’s wrong, Toki. I do still care for you, you know.” 

“Please don’t.” Tokiya’s voice would break, and he’d catch himself, an expression of panic on his face as he tries to collect himself. “I- I’m so sorry, that was-”

“Could we find some time to meet, Toki?” His voice is gentle.

“I don’t… I’ll… I’ll have to think about it. I’m sorry Ren.”

“Take your time. But I do hope you reach out to me more, even if don’t want to meet.”

“I’ll… try.” Tokiya’s voice is almost breathless, but he’d hang up the phone, and he’d cry. Did he want to see Ren? 

Ren had gotten too good at reading Tokiya. Better than Tokiya had remembered. How had he managed to catch that over the phone? And why did Tokiya let himself break down?

Tokiya knows why. He _wanted_ Ren to pry. He wanted to let Ren read him. But it still wasn’t right. 

Tokiya wouldn’t fall asleep that night. 

It would only be a few days later when Tokiya would have been told that he was going to be meeting with a new group of idols- a few men put together, and that he would be training them. They were older than him, but he was their senior in the music industry. Tokiya would have originally agreed, and they would have given him a debriefing on exactly who he would be mentoring. It was a band, called Quartet Night- consisting of Reiji Kotobuki, Camus, Ranmaru Kurosaki and Ai Mikaze. 

Tokiya would have frozen, his eyes widening. “I’m… my sincere apologies but I- need a moment.”

Tokiya would flee, ignoring the commands to return, and he’d hide out in the bathroom. Mentoring meant that he would be forced to stay around Ranmaru. That wasn’t what was important. 

Ranmaru was an _idol_. When had that happened? 

What about Ren?

Tokiya couldn’t do this. He wouldn’t be able to keep himself together, surrounding himself with Ranmaru. Especially not after his denial. It was childish- but Tokiya no longer loved his job enough to stay through this. 

Tokiya would take out his phone, and he would stare at it for a very long moment. “Did you still want to meet?” 

It was just a text. Tokiya couldn’t handle a call right now. 

Perhaps he would react better if he had someone to speak to. Unfortunately, he didn’t. Maybe Ren would be willing to talk to him about this. Tokiya would have a lot to explain to Ren. Ren’s answer is fast. 

“I do. Would you like me to go to you?”

“It may be easier for me to go to you. Do you still live in the same place?” 

“Yes. Should I send you the address?”

Tokiya would go a bit red.

“You don’t need to send it. I remember.”

Tokiya isn’t sure exactly what he expects to see in Ren’s response. Maybe he expected Ren to be creeped out, or skeptical. Ren actually almost seems pleasantly surprised. “Well, you always did have a good memory. When should I be expecting you?”

Tokiya would glance at the door. He could hear people outside of it- waiting for him. He’d then glance at the window, doing the math in his head. He was about a three hour long plane ride away from Ren- and getting a plane ticket should be easy, but the soonest he’d probably manage to get a ticket is within the next three or four hours, at the earliest. 

“I believe I should be there by tonight, but I can get a hotel room and we can meet up tomorrow.”

“You don’t need to waste money on a hotel room. You’re more than welcome to stay in my guest room if you’d like.”

“Are you sure?”

Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow, staring at the screen. 

“Of course. Just let me know when you land and I can come pick you up.”

“Thank you.” 

There was no point in looking a gift horse in the mouth, Tokiya supposed. 

Tokiya would glance at the door. He knows Ren’s responded, but he thinks he knows what it is, and at this point he’s more concerned with taking care of everything. Like the tickets, and finding a way out. Tokiya would sit down on the toilet lid, and he’d be lucky enough to find a flight for two and half hours later. He would call a car, but there’s still too much noise outside of the door. Tokiya would press his hands to his face. 

How much did he want to see Ren?

A wave of sadness would hit him, thinking of the rose on his bedside table. He would climb onto the toilet lid, and he would lift up the window. 

For as much as he worked out, he didn’t have nearly enough upper body strength to make pulling himself out of the window easy. Luckily, he _was_ small enough to fit through the window. His land isn’t graceful, but he doesn’t hurt himself. It was only a few foot drop at most. Tokiya would head to where the car would pick him up, and it’s only a moment after he arrives that the car would pull up and Tokiya would get into the back. He’s lucky enough to get a quiet driver, but he has to rush as soon as he’s at the airport. It goes quicker than expected, likely because he doesn’t have anything except for what he has on him, which isn’t much. It’s his outfit, his wallet, his earbuds, his phone and his keys. He doesn’t even have a charger, though he does buy one at the airport, as well as a book. He doesn’t have much time to wait before his plane begins to board, and when he’s finally settled in, sitting between a man twice his size and another man that was really good at taking up quite a lot of room, he finally has time to reflect. 

He had just run away, to go run to meet _Ren_ , and he wasn’t sure if he deserved to. 

Actually, he had run from _Ranmaru_ to go to Ren. Was that fair? Tokiya wouldn’t have been able to read on the flight, because he couldn’t get his mind away from this. And was Ren and Ranmaru still an item? Did Ranmaru know that Hayato was Tokiya? If Ranmaru had seen a picture, or a video, he must. But Ren didn’t seem to know about Hayato. 

The plane would land before Tokiya could truly collect his thoughts. The last lingering one would be confused. 

Why _was_ Tokiya so eager to see Ren?

Tokiya would get off the plane, and he’d send Ren a text, to let him know that he’s landed. And Tokiya had been right- Ren’s response to Tokiya’s thank you had been a simple, “Of course.”

Ren would have sent back another affirmative to Tokiya, with a time estimate of ten minutes and instructions to meet Ren at the pick up location. Tokiya would head out immediately, though it’s cold. Too cold for what Tokiya is wearing, but Tokiya would try to ignore it. He recognizes Ren’s car. It was the same car Ren had always had. Ren would park, just for a second, to get out of the car with the intent to help Tokiya with his things. He’d frown, seeing Tokiya, standing with his arms crossed together and his shoulders hunched, but Tokiya would give him an almost sheepish smile. 

“Did something happen with your things?” Ren would approach Tokiya. 

“I didn’t actually have time to- oh, Ren, you don’t-” Tokiya’s expression is surprised when Ren would take off his jacket and drape it over Tokiya’s shoulders. 

“Nonsense.” Ren would say dismissively, cutting Tokiya off. “You’re freezing.” Ren would open the door to the car, and Tokiya would have to look away from him, his chest constricting. 

“Thank you.” His voice is quiet, as he gets into the car and Ren closes it behind him. Ren would get into his own side. 

“Most stores are closed now, but we can worry about getting you things tomorrow. When is your flight back?”

Tokiya would go a bit red, but it’s hard to see in the car. “I had booked a one way flight. Of course, I have no intention of overstaying my welcome-” He’d reassure quickly. “Feel free to tell me if I am. I certainly don’t want to be a nuisance.”

“...I’m not sure what’s going on with you, Toki.” Ren’s voice sounds almost sad. “I can tell that something is. You’re… acting off. You dropped everything to book a last minute flight to see me after being clearly unsure about it, and it was too dark for me to get a good look at you, but I think I’m afraid to.” His voice is solemn. “It’s late, and you’ve had a long flight, but I do hope you’ll talk to me tomorrow.”

Tokiya would get a bit quiet, his hands twisting together in his lap. Ren’s hand would land on Tokiya’s shoulder for a moment, and in the second of a glance he would get from Ren, Ren’s wearing a soft smile, before Ren would pull his hand back to place it on the wheel. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m ecstatic to see you, and I certainly don’t want your entire trip to be weighed down. I’m sure there’s still some awkwardness, but I’d like us to try to look past that. We can get all of the serious stuff out of the way tomorrow and focus on enjoying ourselves after that, if that’s okay with you.”

Tokiya would manage a small smile. “That sounds good to me.”

When they’d get to Ren’s house, it’s exactly as Tokiya remembers it. Tokiya hadn’t often went into Ren’s house, but he had still visited every now and then. Enough to be familiar. 

Ren would close the door behind Tokiya, and Tokiya can almost feel Ren taking him in. Tokiya doesn’t look quite as bad, wearing Ren’s thick coat around his shoulders. 

“I’ll save everything for tomorrow.” Ren would say, almost more to himself than Tokiya. “Would you like something to eat?” 

Tokiya would shake his head, but he immediately sees Ren’s frown. “No thank you. I’m not very hungry.”

Ren’s silence is a few seconds too long, but he would relent. “Alright. Well, let me show you to your room.” Ren would lead Tokiya, even though Tokiya knows where he’s going. Ren would open the door to the guest room, and it was clear that he had just straightened it up, because it was nearly immaculate. “I can’t imagine that what you’re wearing would be any comfortable to sleep in. Let me grab you something.”

Some part of Tokiya wants to wear Ren’s clothes. Some selfish part of him has stopped him from giving Ren back his coat. But Tokiya is tired- it really was a long day. So he’d relent. “...Alright. Thank you.”

Ren would smile. His smile makes Tokiya happy. 

Ren would return in a moment, holding a shirt and a pair of sleep pants, offering them to Tokiya. Tokiya would bow his head. “Thank you.”

Ren would sigh, but it’s not the same kind of sad expression he’s been wearing far too often for Tokiya’s liking. “Get some rest.” Ren would squeeze Tokiya’s shoulder, over the coat. He doesn’t say anything about Tokiya still wearing it. 

Tokiya would change, and would lie in the bed. 

He’d sleep in the jacket.

Tokiya is up far before Ren, because he only sleeps for a few hours a night. He would have went for a walk, changing into his own clothes but relenting enough to continue borrowing Ren’s jacket. He’d come back to see Ren awake, and would finally give his jacket back, hanging it up on the coat rack. Ren is frowning. 

“Why don’t you come eat breakfast with me?” Ren’s voice doesn’t quite match his expression. 

“I don’t typically eat breakfast.” Tokiya would bow his head. “I’m sorry.”

“...Then let’s talk first.” Ren’s voice would turn solemn. “Come sit with me.” This one isn’t a suggestion. 

“If… if you don’t mind my asking-” Tokiya would glance away. “Why do you care?”

Ren’s face is almost hurt, but his gaze wouldn’t move from Tokiya’s face. “I want the best for you. And while I’d like to believe that you have someone to care for you… I’m afraid that I’d have to guess that you don’t. I gave you space because I thought that was what you wanted, Toki. I…” Ren would frown. “I cared about you the day you left, and I still care for you now.” Tokiya would glance back at Ren’s face, but Ren’s smile is so sad. “I was always good at telling when you were sad, my rose.” His smile would drop, his expression more serious. “And I can tell that you’re sad now.”

Tokiya’s bottom lip would tremble, but he’d put his hand over his mouth, glancing away again, but his eyes would give him away. He’d laugh, but it’s an almost bitter, tearful laugh. “...Have you always been able to read me that well?”

“Better than you knew.” Ren would admit quietly. “Your always too-polite smiles. The distant look in your eyes when you’d get sad, or the way the corner of your mouth turns down when you’re annoyed.” Ren’s teasing smile is a bit half-hearted. “You know, the happiest I had ever seen you was when I gave you the roses. That was one of the things about you that got me. It’s why I use your nickname.”

“I-” Tokiya would swallow hard, and his voice is weak. His eyes are still teary. “I had assumed it was just one of your pet names.”

“That nickname was special to you, my rose.” Ren would say softly. “You’re the only one I ever have, or ever will call that. Why don’t we sit down, Toki?” Tokiya would move, a bit stiffly, to sit on the couch. Ren would turn to look at him seriously. “Will you tell me what’s going on?”

Tokiya would raise his hands, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes and giving a shaky sigh. His hands were trembling slightly, too, and he had so many emotions that he couldn’t pick them out, so he’d settle on facts. Yesterday had been a long today, and this morning was just as intense. “When I left, I became an idol, named Hayato. He’s… virtually a more personable version of me. I had gotten popular- I suppose I still am, though I’m fairly certain that I’m mostly known as a sex symbol, or known for this whole scandal that came out when it was figured out that I was gay.” Tokiya would press his hands harder into his eyes, though Ren would press against Tokiya’s wrists with a gentle pressure to try to get him to lessen his own pressure, and Tokiya would give, just slightly. “I just… work. And then…” Tokiya’s voice would break off, and then he’d pull back his hands and would look at Ren, swallowing hard. “Are… you and Ranmaru still…?”

Ren’s eyebrows would furrow, a bit confused. His voice is soft. “We haven’t been together for some time now.”

So Ren really might not have known about Tokiya’s idol work- and maybe not even Ranmaru’s. Tokiya would continue quietly. “He was assigned to me, as my junior in the industry. That was yesterday. I… ran off.”

Ren would get very quiet as he took everything in. “I’m not sure I understand. I suppose I’m surprised that you wouldn’t want to stay, with Ranmaru becoming an idol.”

Tokiya would give a quiet, bitter laugh. “All that time ago, I had texted him- and I finally, yesterday morning, checked what he had sent me back. It… it was virtually a rejection. I’ll be fair- I don’t know that it was fair to run to you. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Ren would reassure Tokiya. “I’m glad you’re here. I have no expectations of you, Toki.” Ren’s smile is small, but it’s genuine. “I want to be here for you, in any way that I can be.”

Tokiya would throw his arms around Ren in a hug. Ren would hug him back, but he’d tense up a bit. 

Ren’s voice is careful. “I know you said that all you do is work- you…” Ren would hesitate. “You don’t look healthy.”

“Up close, I suppose I don’t.” Tokiya would say quietly. “Everything I do is planned- every exercise, and all of my meals. I’m designed to look good in pictures, and on stage. It just doesn’t look the same when you get too close.” 

Ren would pull Tokiya back, his hands moving to Tokiya’s arms to get a good look at his face. Tokiya was too pale, and there were dark circles under his eyes, his face just a bit too hollow. He had looked better yesterday, with the makeup he had been wearing. “So you’re telling me that you don’t just _look_ unhealthy.” His voice is dry. Almost a bit disapproving, though it isn’t entirely at Tokiya. “How do you do what you do when you’re not taking care of yourself right?”

“I act.” Tokiya’s smile is dry. Humorless. “I pretend like I have enough energy to do everything I need to do. If I’m honest- I’m feeling it.” He really was. His entire body ached today, and if he were to lay down, he could definitely fall asleep. He just felt sick. “I feel terrible.” Tokiya would frown. “I… I hope they don’t do the same thing to Ranmaru.”

Ren would glance away from Tokiya for a second, his face softening. “I’m sorry to say this, Toki, but I don’t think he’d let them. This happened to you because you did.” Ren’s eyebrows would furrow. “You aim to please. I’m afraid that’s often a bad thing. Especially in the idol industry- clearly. It breaks my heart to see you like this.” Ren’s face does look pained. “And while you’re here, I’m really going to push for you to get into some healthier habits- but I need to ask you a very serious question.” Ren would look Tokiya in the eyes, leaning forward, and his face is almost stern. “Do you _want_ to go back?”

“I don’t think I can.” Tokiya says weakly. 

Ren would frown, but his prodding is gentle. “But if you could- would you want to?”

Tokiya would swallow hard. “Not like this. Not as Hayato. It’s hard, Ren. It’s hard, living as someone that isn’t you. I don’t mind the work- but it never stops. I don’t… I don’t _have_ breaks. I work out, I work, and then I sleep for a few hours and do it again. I don’t have days off. At first I really wasn’t sure- I wasn’t sure if it was right, but now I’m just _so tired_ that I’ve stopped questioning it.” Tokiya’s face would fall, and his voice would crack and quiet. “It’s strange, having you tell me that you care for me- and to actually try to believe you. I’m constantly surrounded by people and I don’t think that one of them truly likes me for me. I don’t think any of them even know who I am. It’s nice, you know. Being told that someone likes _Tokiya_ and not _Hayato_.”

Ren’s thumbs brush over Tokiya’s biceps in a way meant to be comforting. He takes in everything Tokiya had said, and he’d sigh, still focused on Tokiya’s face. “Then I’m glad that you left. I’m sure that you’re talented. Absolutely positive of it. But you don’t deserve to be taken advantage of, or used, the way it sounds like they’re treating you. It makes me angry to hear it, if I’m honest. But I’d like to hear what you’re planning to do.” 

“I don’t know. I just threw my life away.” Tokiya would give a weak, humorless laugh. Ren would frown. 

“I can’t tell you what to do- but I can try to help, if you’ll take it.” Ren’s eyes would move, taking in Tokiya’s face. 

“Please.” Tokiya’s voice sounds strained. 

“I’d like to start by getting you healthy. Make sure you start eating, and sleeping. To try to help you work through how burned out you must be. I’d… I’d like you to stay with me for a while, Toki.”

“Are you sure?” Tokiya’s voice is careful, but there’s surprise in it. 

“I am. If you’re uncomfortable, I won’t force you- but I’d like to watch over you, if you’d let me. I can’t imagine it’s going to be easy to break your current habits as it is- and I do worry about you. I worry that you may not be able to do it alone.”

Tokiya would glance away. His voice is hardly audible. “You might be right.”

“Now- why don’t I go make some food?” 

“I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to eat.” Tokiya would admit. 

“Don’t worry about that. It’s going to take time to get a normal appetite when you’ve been as strict as I’m sure you have. Just do your best.” Ren would give Tokiya a fond smile and would ruffle Tokiya’s hair as he stands. “After we eat, you should go get some more sleep. I heard you moving around far too early this morning and I think right now, what your body needs more than anything is rest.”

“I’m not sick.” Tokiya’s voice is gentle. “I’m alright.” 

Ren’s eyebrows would pull in, his own smile faltering at Tokiya’s words. When it returns, it’s different. It’s sad. 

Tokiya doesn’t like it. 

“Just entertain me for now.” Ren would leave, his hand brushing over Tokiya’s shoulder as he leaves. 

Tokiya would stay on the couch until Ren had finished cooking, lost in thought, and he wouldn’t have been able to eat very much. He would have gone upstairs after he had finished eating, He would have gotten back into Ren’s clothes he had borrowed from the night before, but he wouldn’t have slept. He would have gotten on his phone, looking through messages, and listening to his voicemail and emails, and he would stress himself out enough that he’d stay awake until Ren would have gently knocked on his door, hours later. Tokiya would have hummed, opening it. 

“I tried to let you sleep through lunch, but I’ve made dinner, if you’re up for it.” 

Tokiya wonders just how much Ren is _offering_ and how much he’s telling- but Tokiya would nod. “Alright.”

He wouldn’t eat much at dinner, either, though he’d push his food around his plate with an almost embarrassed expression. Ren would reach over, setting his hand on Tokiya’s for just a second with a gentle smile. “Don’t force yourself. There’s no need to feel guilty. We’re getting there, Toki. That’s all.”

Tokiya’s gaze would have softened, and when Ren pulls his hand away, he’d begin cleaning up. “Why don’t we relax and watch a movie tonight? Just do something fun. We could watch something scary if you’d like.”

“I would like that.” Tokiya’s expression would change, and he’d have to look away at Ren. 

He didn’t deserve Ren. 

There were tears in his eyes, but his reaction would get Ren’s attention, and Ren would set down what he was carrying to go to Tokiya, worried. “Are you alright?” Tokiya would glance over, and he’d give an almost sheepish, teary laugh. 

“I’m fine.” He’d reassure. “I’m just… moved. Your kindness is… incredible.”

Ren’s face would soften, too, but he would smile at Tokiya. “I think you’ve deserved some kindness.” He would squeeze Tokiya’s shoulder before he would return to cleaning up. “I’m just glad that you’re here, Toki.”

Tokiya would have stayed far longer than he had expected to. He still didn’t sleep much, and he still often took late night walks. He had found a gym nearby, not used to being idle. He still didn’t eat very much, though Ren had slowly begun to get more and more pushy with getting Tokiya to try to eat more. 

But not all of the changes were negative. Tokiya still thought about Ranmaru- but the dreams had stopped. And, in times where he wasn’t thinking about Ranmaru, he found himself thinking about Ren. 

And then there would have been the day where Tokiya would have smiled at Ren, and would have caught Ren’s happy expression. “What’s that look for?” Tokiya would question. 

Ren’s smile seems a bit restrained- like he was forcing it to be calmer than it would have been otherwise. “You know- for most of our relationship your smiles were always so careful and polite.” Ren’s eyes are soft. It would make Tokiya’s heart flutter- the fond expression on his face. “For most of the time you’ve been here, I’ve seen such real, genuine smiles from you. It’s such a nice thing to see.” 

“I hadn’t realized they’ve changed.” Tokiya would admit. “But if you think it’s a good thing, it must be.”

“Tell me.” Ren’s eyes would search Tokiya’s face. “Do you feel happier? There’s no wrong answer.”

Tokiya would stay quiet for a long moment, but he would meet Ren’s look. “...I do.”

When Ren’s smile returns, it’s a very nice sight. 

Tokiya would have spent one day in his room, the entire day, just thinking. 

Mostly about Ren. 

Tokiya would think about his reactions to Ranmaru- how his heart would beat faster and his breath would come short and his body would heat up. He had never gotten that with Ren. 

When he thought of Ren, his heart would flutter, and he could feel a small, fond smile grow on his face. He could feel butterflies in his stomach and he could feel his gaze soften. 

It wasn’t the same as Ranmaru- but Tokiya would realize that just because it wasn’t the same didn’t mean that Tokiya didn’t love Ren. 

That thought would have made Tokiya freeze. _Did_ he love Ren?

Tokiya would close his eyes, picturing the pressed, dead rose that was still on the nightstand of his home out of this town, and the conflicting feelings would swirl in his chest. 

Tokiya doesn’t know if he loved Ren the right way when he was in a relationship with Ren- but he feels positive in his answer now. 

He did love Ren. He doesn’t know if it’s necessarily better or worse than the way he loved Ranmaru, but it was love, nevertheless. 

Tokiya had some possessions at this point, after Ren had brought him somewhere to get them. Tokiya would pack them, and Ren would have knocked on the door, just as he had finished. Tokiya would open the door, a look of pure nerves on his face, but when Ren sees the bag, he would mistake it for guilt. The sad look on Ren’s face would break Tokiya’s heart. 

“Are you leaving?” Ren’s voice is small. 

“I don’t know.” Tokiya would admit. “I was… preparing. In case I need to.” Tokiya would close his eyes for a second, trying to pull himself together. He would look up, a vulnerable look in his eyes. He’s trying to keep his voice steady and his eyes on Ren’s face, and Ren just looks concerned. “If you… can’t do this, I understand. But I’ve been… thinking, a lot. Especially about you. Ren I’d-” Tokiya’s voice would break. “When I had gotten into a relationship with you, years back, it wasn’t for the right reasons.” Tokiya would take a deep breath. “I want to try again.” His voice is almost scared. “I want to do this right. I couldn’t give you what you deserved then, Ren, but I want to do this. Just you and me- and I… I love you, Ren. I can’t ask you to give me a second chance, but I had to-”

Ren would cut Tokiya off with a kiss, Ren’s hands landing on Tokiya’s cheeks. Tokiya would hold onto Ren’s shirt, and he’s kissing back with the same energy that Ren’s kissing him with. When Ren pulls back, his concern is gone, and the happiness on his face is undeniable. Tokiya’s gaze would soften, seeing his face, and he’d move forward, holding onto Ren. Ren would hold onto him tightly. “Of course, Toki. I want this, too. I love you, my rose.” Ren’s voice would drop, serious. “I always have, and I always will.”

“Thank you for giving me another chance.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet again. He’s still holding onto Ren. “I promise I’m going to do it right this time.”

“I know you will, Toki. I know you will.” Ren’s hand would run up and down Tokiya’s back. “Now- Why don’t we get your things unpacked?”

Ren would give it one week, before he would start implementing the changes. 

“If you feel this is too soon, I won’t rush you into anything- but I’d like for you to sleep in my room.”

Tokiya would blink, surprised, but he would look at Ren, very seriously for a moment, and his voice is soft. “Okay.”

Ren would smile, kissing Tokiya’s forehead. That night, Tokiya would go with Ren into his room, and he’d lie down next to Ren, who would reach out to hold him closely. It was only nine at night. 

“Isn’t this early for you?” Tokiya would furrow his eyebrows. “I thought you stayed up far later than this.”

Ren’s grip tightens, just a bit, like he expected Tokiya to try to leave. “I’d like you to get some rest.” Ren would admit. His hand would run up Tokiya’s side. “I can feel your ribs, baby. You still barely eat, and you still have bags under your eyes.” Ren would frown. “I’ve heard you leaving, late at night. I should have stepped forward sooner, to try to help you more, but I was worried about pushing you away. I’ve wanted to help you for some time now, Toki- I should have been better at helping you. ...When you left, I felt responsible.” Ren’s face looks pained. Almost apologetic. “And then you were gone and I had no idea where you were. I was terrified, when I saw your bag last week. I’ve been afraid that if I push too hard I might upset you and you might leave, and I turned a blind eye in doing so- but I can’t anymore, my rose. I know that all of these terrible habits you’ve fallen into aren’t your fault- but they can’t _stay_. Can you really tell me that you feel alright?”

Tokiya would get quiet for a moment. “I don’t feel quite as terrible as I did, working all the time. But I- ...I don’t feel great. I still feel a bit sick. I’m still expending more energy than I have.” Tokiya would sigh. “I have been leaving, during the night for walks and during the day to go to the gym. It feels too strange, to stop it all after so long of having a routine, and a schedule.” 

“Can I suggest a few changes?” Ren would say, his voice careful. Tokiya would wait, letting him continue. “I’d like to go with you, to the gym. I’d like to try to cut down your visits, though, to a few times a week, rather than everyday. I think it’s important to take care of yourself, I just think you’re going… a bit overboard with it. I’m going to have to put my foot down on the nighttime walks. If you feel trapped, or you need to get outside- I’d be happy to walk with you. But I don’t want you walking in the dark alone.” Ren would lean forward, pressing a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead, to soften the commands he was giving. “It just scares me. I only want you to be okay.” Tokiya would squeeze Ren’s arm before Ren would continue. “And I’d like for you to try to eat more. We can keep taking it slow, as long as you promise that you’ll try to keep improving. And I want you to start sleeping with me, at least eight hours a night. Tonight, we’re going to sleep early, but starting tomorrow, I’d like to get in bed by eleven and sleep until at least seven, alright?”

“I understand that what you’re asking isn’t… difficult but-”

“It feels hard, honey, I know.” Ren is holding Tokiya tightly to himself. Tokiya is gripping him back, just as tight, hiding his face in the crook of Ren’s neck. “It’s been a long time of living in this routine. I don’t blame you, for feeling like I’m asking for something really hard. But I’m going to help you.” Ren would press a kiss to the top of Tokiya’s head. “We’re going to get some rest tonight, and then tomorrow morning we’re going to go out to eat, and we’re going to stop by a bookstore. I’d like for you to take more time for yourself, and to find ways to relax. I think finding a few books you want to read will help.” 

Tokiya would cry. He would finally break down, and he’d sob, clinging onto Ren. Tokiya’s voice is weak. “I love you. God, I don’t deserve you.”

“You’re right. You deserve much more than me.” Ren would mumble. “I love you, too, my rose.”

The next morning, Ren would have woken up before Tokiya, and he would have waited in the bed until Tokiya had woken up- but when they would have gotten up, Ren’s eyebrows would have furrowed. “Toki- would you take off your shirt?”

Tokiya would blink. “What?”

“I want to see how bad it is.” Ren would say quietly. 

Tokiya has trouble looking at Ren, but he would slide off his sleep shirt. Ren would look at his chest with a slight frown. His ribs were visible, not much better than when he had arrived at Ren’s house, and he was small. Much smaller than he should be. 

“We’ll fix this.” Ren would promise, pulling Tokiya closer, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “We’re going to get you feeling better. I promise.” 

Tokiya would take a moment to lay his head on Ren’s shoulder and would just let himself stay there. Ren never wore shirts to bed, and even though Tokiya was almost embarrassed, having Ren see him shirtless, the skin to skin contact was comforting. Ren was warm, and it would be hard for Tokiya to pull away, and Ren himself wouldn’t make it any easier, but Tokiya eventually would. 

“We really should get dressed, if we want to go anywhere today.” 

Ren would sigh dramatically, getting one last kiss from Tokiya. “I _guess_.” Ren would get a teasing smile on his face. “If we must. Another thing on our list today is going to be to move your things to my room. There’s no need to send you to the guest room if you’re staying with me.” 

Tokiya would find himself smiling a bit. “I think we could arrange that.”

The rest of the day is spent out. They’d have went out to breakfast, and Tokiya would have made his best effort to eat what he could, though he wouldn’t end up finishing his food. When Tokiya would have gone to the bookstore, Ren would have excused himself while Tokiya had looked- which was likely the right move because Tokiya would have spent quite some time looking. When he had finally wrapped up, Ren would have been back- and despite Tokiya’s insistence on paying, Ren would have. 

“You know that I have more money than I know what to do with.” Tokiya would say, on their way out. 

“I’m well enough off to like to pretend to spoil my boyfriend.” Ren says with a teasing smile. Tokiya would snort, shaking his head. 

“Well- thank you. I feel thoroughly spoiled.”

“I’m not quite done yet.” Ren would smile at Tokiya, and he’d switch the bag of books to his other hand, reaching behind himself, into his pocket. Tokiya would focus on Ren, with a raised eyebrow, but Ren would pull out a single rose. 

“I was considering something a bit more extravagant, but I figured that you could never go wrong with the classics, my rose.”

Tokiya’s eyes would widen, but the expression is almost childlike with its joy. When Ren hands Tokiya the rose, Tokiya would cradle it to his chest. His eyes are shiny, but his smile is wide. 

“Thank you, Ren. It’s perfect.”

It would have been nearly a year later, and Tokiya would have noticed that Ren had been almost guarding the backyard. He was subtle about it- casually leading Tokiya away from the door, or distracting him away from it. Tokiya had rarely ever gone to the back yard, but Ren had been going out the back door often, and Tokiya was curious. 

Finally, one day Ren wouldn’t have stopped Tokiya. Rather, he would have joined Tokiya when he would have gone outside, taking Tokiya’s hand. Tokiya would have raised an eyebrow, but wouldn’t have stopped going outside. Right near the door, there would be a bush. It clearly had been being cared for, and Tokiya has no idea where he had gotten it, and he’d look at Ren. 

“Gardening?”

“Not just gardening. Look at this.” Ren would squeeze Tokiya’s hand, pulling him further, moving him to see the other side of the bush. “It’s not grown yet- it’s really just starting to bloom.” Ren would point out the forming bud. “But it’s a rose bush. It’s not quite the same as giving you a rose everyday- but anytime you need to think of me, you can come outside so you can see roses that aren’t going to wilt.”

Tokiya would take a long moment, emotion closing his throat. 

“Maybe it’s a bit cheesy, but-” Ren would rub the back of his neck with his free hand, seeming almost nervous at Tokiya’s silence, but Tokiya would have moved, throwing his arms around Ren. Ren would have returned the hug- Tokiya had certainly filled out. He was still small, but he was in shape, not malnourished. It made Ren happy. Tokiya would have tilted his head up, pressing short and soft kisses to any of Ren’s skin that he could reach. His neck, his cheeks, his lips and his forehead. 

Tokiya’s voice is thick, a warm feeling spreading through his chest. “It’s beautiful, and thoughtful, and I’m speechless.” Tokiya would put his hands on Ren’s cheeks, pressing a longer kiss to Ren’s lips. “It’s perfect.”


	6. It's too late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ending 3/3 Bad End

Tokiya’s heart would fall before he had even clicked on Ranmaru’s message. 

“its too late”

Tokiya wouldn’t have responded. He wouldn’t have needed to. What would he say?

That he understands?

Maybe he could have replied, had he checked it when Ranmaru sent it- though the ending wouldn’t change. Ranmaru had made up his mind. Tokiya was stupid for sending the first message at all, because it wasn’t a surprise that this was Ranmaru’s answer. Tokiya would power off his phone completely, and he’d try to fall asleep. 

He couldn’t. He would turn on his light, rubbing his eyes, and he would stare at the nightstand. He would stare at the items. With Ranmaru’s confirmation, he knew what he should do- but how would he find the strength to do it?

Tokiya’s sobs are almost hysterical, shaking his entire upper body as he’d grab the items- starting with the rose. He would go downstairs to the kitchen, clutching it, and then he’d close his eyes. He would take it out of the plastic he had put the flower in to protect it, and it would begin to fall apart as soon as it was out. 

Tokiya would crush it. Crumbling it to dust beneath his fingers. 

There’s physical pain in his actions- but what right did he have to keep it?

The ring is harder. He would, however, head upstairs, and he’d take the cheap ring. 

The rose had signified Ren’s care- the care that he no longer had. The care he never would again have. 

But the ring signified a promise that would never come true. His destruction of the ring was Tokiya accepting that it wouldn’t. 

He would press the ring to his lips, saying goodbye to the ring. Saying goodbye to the promise. 

Saying goodbye to Ranmaru. 

Tokiya would make his way to the kitchen, and he’d light the stove. It would take him a very long time to put his hand above the stove, and it would take longer to let himself drop the ring. Tokiya can’t remain standing. He’d slide down the island, listening to the stove and closing his eyes, resting his head on his knees. 

It wasn’t over. Tokiya could never let Ranmaru go. 

Tokiya would never stop thinking of Ren, either-

Tokiya would likely still have the dreams, and still look to his nightstand, for the items that were gone. 

But Ranmaru was Ren’s. Tokiya wasn’t theirs. Tokiya had no right to hold onto the items they gave him. Not anymore. 

Tokiya would cry on the kitchen floor for a long time, and then he’d force himself to his feet. He would turn off the stove, and he would head upstairs, lying in bed. He wouldn’t get very long before there’s a ring of the doorbell, signifying that his day was starting again. 

It would take two years before Tokiya would hear anything else about either of them. Those two years were spent continuing with Hayato. Tokiya barely even remembered who Tokiya was anymore. 

He wasn’t Tokiya. 

Everyone called him Hayato. He responded to Hayato. He hadn’t legally changed his name, but he may as well have. 

When he would have gotten a text from Ren, he would have been shocked. 

“I know that it’s been a long while, but I’d like to invite you to Ranmaru and I’s wedding. If you don’t make it, we both understand. I’m not inviting you to be cruel, and I’m sorry if this is how that comes across.”

Tokiya’s response comes quickly. “I’ll go.”

“Will you send me your address?”

Tokiya would give his home address to Ren, and he’d stare at his phone for a long moment. He’s reminded of the ring- burned to nothing, and the rose crushed to ashes. 

Ren really was Ranmaru’s. And Ranmaru’s was Ren’s. 

Tokiya would continue his life until the wedding. He would continue being miserable, overworked and insulted. He wasn’t good enough.

He was never good enough. 

His response was mostly hate and less sexualized comments. He was probably nearing retirement- and he didn’t know what he would do then. He doesn’t think it would be better. 

He didn’t have any friends. He avoided getting a partner. 

All he did was work. 

All he was, was Hayato. What would happen to Hayato when he retired? Would Tokiya still be Hayato, or would he be Tokiya again?

 _Could_ he be Tokiya again?

Tokiya would find his way to his seat in the pews. 

Tokiya still remembered Ranmaru’s smile. It was the brightest he had ever seen it. 

Ren was happy, in the way that Tokiya had always hoped to see him. 

They loved each other. Tokiya was glad to see it. 

Tokiya was a normal guest at the wedding. He had a seat in the middle, among other people he didn’t think he recognized. Of course he had brought a gift- a nice one. A well thought out one. He hadn’t marked his name on it, but he hoped they liked it. 

Finally, as the guests were beginning to leave, Tokiya would finally approach Ranmaru. 

He would smile. It came easy- after so long of doing it. 

“Congratulations.” Tokiya’s voice sounds genuine. Perhaps even happier than he had ever sounded before. Tokiya didn’t feel like he could breathe. His pulse was rushing, and his body felt warm. Tokiya’s eyes appear warm. Ranmaru seems to be searching his face. Tokiya isn’t sure what’s real and what isn’t. “Looks like you’re the lucky one.”

Ranmaru would watch him, and after a long moment, he’d just mumble. “Thanks.”

Tokiya would give an apologetic smile. “I wasn’t trying to make you uncomfortable. I really mean it. I’m happy. For both of you. You both look really happy together. You made the right choice.” He’d laugh, a soft sound. It’s a sound Ranmaru hasn’t heard- because it’s not Tokiya. It’s Hayato. “I’m making this worse. I’m going to go. Take care of yourself, and take care of Ren.” Tokiya would give him another smile, and he’d walk off. Ranmaru would let him go. 

Tokiya would work for a few more years- and he’d retire from the idol gig- but he’d end up being a talk show host. 

He never would get to ditch his Hayato personality. He actually would run into Ren, one other time, and he would give a friendly smile. Ren would have stopped him. 

Ren had never lost the sad look in his expression. 

Ren always had known when Tokiya was sad. Except this time, even Tokiya didn’t realize the extent. 

“Toki- it’s been a long time.”

Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow, for just a second, and then he’d laugh. A Hayato laugh. “I haven’t been called that in a long time. I go by Hayato now, usually.”

Ren would blink, surprised. “Hayato?”

“A stage name. I was an idol, for quite a few years, back in my prime.”

“I take it that means it’s over. Why do you still go by Hayato?” Ren’s eyebrows would furrow. 

Tokiya would smile. It’s an unnatural smile. “I’m used to it, I suppose. And I’m still doing talk shows as Hayato.”

Ren’s expression is sad. “I see.”

“I’m afraid I really should get going. It was nice to see you again, Ren.”

“It was nice to see you as well… Hayato.”

Tokiya would lie in his bed, looking at his empty bedside table. 

At the end of the day, he had found that he only really kept one part of Tokiya-

Tokiya still loved Ranmaru.


End file.
